Hello, kellyspring

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


The premise introduced in paragraph two onwards is wonderful. It has the potential to really grip the reader because you're dealing with important issues, ie. the end of the world as we know it.

However, think about conflict and tension. The opening paragraph in particular is too "happy" for want of a better word. If you want impact in the beginning, you either need conflict or a question raised in your opening paragraph.

Consider the Gospel of Luke. Whether or not you are religious is irrelevant for this point. At the beginning of Luke, angels appear to various people, like Mary and Mirriam, to tell them that something spectacular and Earth shattering is going to happen. Mirriam is going to have a boy called John, who will be a great prophet, and Mary will have a child who changes the whole course of human history. When the angels speak to them, their first words are, "Do not fear!" Not "hello" or "How you doin'?" but "Do not fear." This allows the reader to understand that these higher beings are pretty scary dudes and they're going to say some pretty scary things. There's tenstion raised. Expectations raised.

What I'm trying to explain is that if you want impact, if you want your protagonist to experience some "burning bush" moment when they're contacted by a superior intelligence. Perhaps Hannah will think she's going crazy. Perhaps she'll believe it's God speaking to her. Perhaps she'll think it's the Devil. Whatever she thinks, it'll be more interesting for the reader if it's something bad that gets Hannah worried, terrified, possibly peeing her pants in fear.

Also, think about the message delivered. It's an excellent message. However, once it spreads out over one paragraph, it becomes more like a long sermon and less like a message with strong impact. Consider starting with a much smaller but very powerful statement, then adding a time limit. A time limit starts a ticking clock that adds a sense of pace and momentum to the narrative and will establishe a timetable for your whole novel, showing the reader how long the Earth has left before it explodes or whatever if Hannah doesn't act. For example, and this is only an example, I'm not suggesting you actually use it:

Hannah cradled the warm mug, inhaling the fragrant aroma of fresh-brewed French Vanilla coffee. Standing at the kitchen window, she gazed out at her yard. The grass sparkled with dew, the garden vegetables stretched young shoots skyward, the bushes and trees blushed with their first buds. Beyond, the deep blue of Lake Cronin shimmered in a gentle breeze, splashed here and there with triangles of colorful sails. Could her retirement be any more perfect?

"The world will end in six months from now," said a voice in her head.

Hannah glanced around. "Wh-who said that?"

"The world will end, unless you step forward and accept your role as the savior of the human race."

She held her head between her hands. She'd heard of dimentia, but had no idea it could come on so suddenly and like this.

A bit cliche, but I hope you get the idea.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Hannah is great. I like her a lot. I also like her confident friend, Kate. As I've already said, I feel it might be better to have Hannah terrified she's losing her mind from the very beginning rather than having no emotions and then falling asleep.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


I really love your premise. It's fantastic. However, watch out for where you let tension drop where there's a possibility for more exciting things. For example, instead of her falling asleep on the sofa in front of the TV, have her faint in the kitchen and then later come around, wondering why she's laying on the cold, tile floor. Fainting is a sign of bad things happening, of too much excitement or exhaustion. Falling back asleep is more like a sign she's bored.

"I'm fine, Kate. No, no I'm not fine. I'm going crazy, I think. Just please hurry over here." - at this point, given what happened with both the coffee cup and the phone, I don't understand why Kate didn't magically appear next to Hannah. I mean, up until this occasion, every time she really wants somehthing there, it appears. Why not so with Kate?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Once we get into the second half of this chapter, the pace is wonderful, and I especially like your ending which would have me turning the page. However, the lack of tension in the opening did make the story feel slow paced to me until Hannah woke up from her sleep and started to go to bits.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


You have a good, strong voice from Hannah's viewpoint. I like your narration. Generally, your style is great and I didn't stumble across any real errors. You might like to cut out some of the stall words and look to see where you can tighten up. Here are a few small examples.

"What the heck is going on?" Her eyes filled with tears as her whole body began shaking - beware stall words like 'began' unless they're really necessary to emphasise that something is just beginning. Here, 'as her whole body shook' would be more engaging. Again, Hannah jumped up, rushed into Kate's arms and started crying. - 'started' is a stall word, so 'rushed into Kate's arms and wept' would sound more immediate.

Sit down and try to calm yourself." - even though this is natural speech, try to avoid using words like 'try' which are the kind of stall words that make the narrative feel less confident. If you write 'Sit down and calm yourself' it's simply more confident sounding. It's what you'd want Kate to sound like - a good, confident friend you can rely on, Hannah's own Peter, her rock.

Kate looked at Hannah, then the tea cup, then back at Hannah, and fainted straight back on the couch. - You want to end the chapter on as strong a word as possible. Once Kate has fainted, it's not important where she lands. I mean, sure, in real life it's important. You wouldn't want her to bang her head on the floor (even if Hannah could fix it). But from a narrative point of view, the key thing is that Kate faints, and you don't need to write any more after that.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


Both the human characters were great. I felt that Kate could do with sounding a little more confident, but it wasn't anything serious. The voice in Hannah's head, however, goes on a bit too long and may lose reader interest. Give her/him something shorter with more impact to say rather than going into details at this point in the book.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


You made good use of the settings and mentioned things like head and smells. The description of her house's setting was quite detailed. I have a very clear idea of where and when this story is happening.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


I think your concept here is brilliant. I really like it a lot.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


I think this is a wonderful idea for a novel and a really interesting start. However, the first five or six paragraphs could have more tension and fear to better engage the reader. Telling them that Hannah's emotions have been switched off doesn't help them to feel anything for her during that time. Having her terrified and doubting her sanity from the get go would better generate early sympathy for her, imho.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .