Hello, JW Fiction

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Your opening is really interesting. There's a terrible storm which implies something bad might happen to the narrator, which is echoed by his words at the end of the first paragraph: Things were different back then. Then Santa getting arrested is great. However, there are some issues with clarity I've listed below under language, and also plausibility. When creating a fantasy, by definition you will have implausible elements to your story. This makes it important that everything else in the story sounds as plausible as possible. See notes under plot.

Characters — are they well rounded?


I like your protagonist. He has a lot of depth, he's a very sympathetic person, he has understandable flaws and an interesting past that is a mystery to the reader and so creates a satisfying hook. However, unless I've glossed over it during my two read throughs, you never once give him a name. That's actually a common problem with first person narrative: the narrator's name being forgotten by the reader because the author so seldom mentions it. As you will be aware, it's a lot easier for readers to engage with the protagonist if they know their name. It's elementary human psychology that we find it difficult to care for someone if we don't know their name.

It's an easy fix, though. When Carly first appears, have her confirm his identity, "Are you John Doe?" and then have various people, like Juli and Carly again, address him by name during the story. After all, if he knows Julie's name, she probably knows his.

Julie is a bit stereotypically Jessica Rabit, if you catch my drift? However, I think you were aiming for that stereotypical gumshoe story with this, again very much like Roger Rabit . I like her, anyway. She's got that Jessica Rabit determination to get things done her own way.

Julie is a huge aside. Though she's a really interesting character, is she important to the later story. If not, consider omitting all the backstory details about her since it slows the action of this opening a lot. If you keep all that Julie info, then it needs to sit in its own paragraph. Yes, it's a good way of showing that the narrator is a good guy, but it's not relaxant to the main plot line you wish to introduce, and sometimes you must "murder your darlings".

I dropped a twenty on the table. I thought about the holidays coming up. How the magic was gone. I put another ten dollar bill on the table for Julie. - he's described as a mans who's lost all hope and has no clients. Where does he get all this money from? How can he afford to hand out tips?

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


The main conflict of what's happening with Santa is very interesting, as are the developments with Carly getting the letter and the drummer boy appearing. However, I was very unclear what Carly actually wants to employ the protagonist for. I'm guessing it's to find Santa, but she never says and he never asks.

I was a little concerned about this bit: After nearly an hour of spotlights and warning shots, the rogue aircraft was forced to land at Logan International Airport. - I'm no expert on police procedure, the workings of the USAF or of airport safety protocols, but it seems strange to me that they would direct a 'terrorist' to land on an airstrip while keeping a plane full of passengers on that same airstrip. Surely this would make the passengers a wonderful target for terrorists? Surely the fact that an airplane would be forced to land, under already hazardous conditions, mean that the airstrip would be evacuated of all non-emergency personel? I would have expected them to order the passenger crew to disembark the crew using emergency procedures, chutes out the door, rapid removal to safety.

Your cliffhanger ending is very well done. However, beware making the protagonist look too clumsy and stupid. I mean, he knows the villain is both armed and dangerous, yet he doesn't take adequate steps to protect his client or himself. Perhaps have something happen that catches the protagonist unawares, such as an empty bottle on the floor he trips over.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Overall, your pacing is fine. You have two small issues. One is overly verbose narrative. You frequently use redundant words and phrases you could cut and so up the pace for the reader. I've listed some of these under language. The other issue is unimportant backstory. Although you want to add as much depth to the protagonist as possible, there are some things that simply aren't worth the number of words you dedicate to them at this early stage in your narrative. The backstory for Carly is the biggest example, and the Lizzy details are also distracting. If either of these are important to the novel then you should keep them. Otherwise, the pace would be better without them.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


I really like the protagonist's voice. It's both interesting and character building. However, your narrative does include rather a lot of issues. Here's a few:

when little boys and girls across the world went to bed wide eyed, - wide-eyed - hyphenated

Then Logan happened. - on first read through, I thought Logan was a person. You see, it's ambiguous because Logan can be the name of a place or a person, and as a non-American, the person's name came to mind first. I know that it's in your novel's title, so it should be obvious, but maybe just to make it clearer either say Logan Airport here or perhaps say Then the Logan incident happened.

My flight was delayed several times that night. 6pm departure quickly became 1am arrival. - I didn't understand the end of this sentence. On first read, I thought you meant that the airplane had taken off at 6, but was forced to land again at the same place at 1 am. Even on second read through, I don't understand what you mean. Given that this is in your opening paragraph, it really needs to be clearer what you mean. Also, bear in mind that small numbers are usually written out in narrative.

stockings filled with candy and cheap gifts we neither wanted or needed, - nice! But bear in mind, 'neither' is usually paired with 'nor' and 'either' with 'or'.
http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/when-use-nor

or even the doubt that we wouldn't make it - I think you mean 'the doubt that we would make it'

The office had a faint smell of whiskey, result of several - you need something in front of 'result'. An article like 'the' or 'a' would suffice.

Later, I was sitting at my desk - the chronology of the opening of this scene is very confusing. First she's knocking on the door. Then the second paragraph begins with later, so we're led to believe that the events of the second paragraph are after her visit, but then it becomes clear they're before her visit.

She rolled her eyes and laughed at me. - no need for a directional component when the object of the action is clear. Once pov is firmly established, the reader will tend to assume all actions are toward the viewpoint character unless told otherwise.

I focused on one girl in particular. Lizzy Mae Carmichael, 13 years old. - all this detail about Lizzy isn't relevant to the story and is really distracting at this time. If he'd thought about Lizzy before the lady walked in, it would be fine, but here it just distracts.

“What’s this all about, Ms. Jensen?” I asked her. - What makes him assume that this lady is the same person as is addressed on the envelope? She's not told him she is.

As we approached the diner we stopped to - paused might be a better verb

He was humming along with it. Hmmm hmmm tap-tap-tap tap - if you'd written " Pa rum pum pum pum" here, then the connection would be much clearer to most readers.

He raised his bat and then all I saw was darkness. - several times in this chapter you have two independent clauses linked by a conjunction. In such sentences, it's mandatory to place a comma before the conjunction unless both clauses are really short. An independent clause is one with its own grammatical subject, eg. The boy whistled, and the girl turned back, smiled and winked. There, "the boy" is the subject of the clause "the boy whistled" and "the girl" is the subject of "the girl turned back, smilied and winked." However, you would write "The boy whistled and the girl smiled" without a comma because both clauses are short.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


I like both the protagonist's and Carly's speeches. However, you seem to have some issues with punctuation.

“Maybe you’re not the only detective around here after all.” She said proudly - you may need to review how to punctuate speech from a decent style guide, like The Chicago Manual of Style. In this paragraph and the following one, the speech is in the same sentence as the dialogue tag (beat) because the verb used in the tag is one that concerns the means in which the speech was communicated. With verbs such as 'said/whispered/shouted/moaned' etc, the speech and the tag are always treated as being in the same sentence, so here it would be: “Maybe you’re not the only detective around here after all,” she said proudly - with a comma rather than a period at the end of speech, and a low case 's' on 'she'.

I knew what she was about to ask and I wanted to get up and walk out of the diner that very moment. “Did you ever get a letter from him?” She asked me. - sometimes tags are not necessary. When it's already established that she's the one speaking, and he's just stated she's going to ask a question, there's no point to say "she asked" at the end. Whenever it's obvious who spoke, don't use a tag. Another example is: She pushed her glasses back up in position, not taking her gaze away from me. “Tell me about it.” She asked.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


The setting and use of sensory information was good.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


I like the core idea of Santa and his gang getting jaded and turning to crime. It's an interesting premise.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


With tighter narrative, a name for your protagonist, and a little more clarity, this could be really good.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .