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 Review #4281815 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The suspicion at the airport was a neat opening conflict. Characters — are they well rounded?  Although I likes all the Thomases, I got really mixed signals about them. Mrs. Thomas' harshness with her son implies she's an antagonist, and Jake's dreams hint that she might be an evil person sent to misdirect the boys, but all of their actual actions toward the boys is helpful to them and overly generous. It's obvious their meeting is no coincidence, and the Thomases are part of the supernatural world. So, I'm confused. That might be a good or a bad thing depending upon what you want to achieve with this chapter. That’s a bit harsh,” Jason whispered to Jake. - to me, this seems a bit out of character. It's Jason who's still giving Dereck a hard time while Jake has accepted him, yet it's Jason who first picks up on the woman being harsh. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Well, we're in England now and on track for Jake's ancestral home, so that's good. Airport security is not a flight attendant's job. They might altert security to a potential problem, but it would be the official who checked their passports or the officials who checked thei luggage on entry into the departures lounge who would decide whether or not to search them. I know little about the procedure myself, so it might be a good idea for you to do a little research into procedures at American airports. I remember the last time I left the US (which was years ago, maybe 2003?) an officer dressed like a policeman checked me with a hand held metal detector, and forced me to put my crying toddler down on the floor so I could walk through the big detector alone. The whole procedure was nothing to do with the airline staff. It seems clear Mrs. Thomas was sent to ease their passage into the UK and help them on their journey, so I wondered why it was that she pretended throughout to be a stranger to them. Why didn't she tell them who she really was? I'm sure there's a good reason that you're going to reveal later on in the story. Jake ruffled the boy’s hair. “Tell your mum we’d love to. What time?” - shouldn't he check with his friends before agreeing? Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Pace was spot on in this chapter. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Lotsa problems with narrative today! thrust their tickets and passports into the air flight attendants open hand. - attendant's - possessive apostrophe. “They’re clean,” the tallest officers said in a gruff voice - officer, singular. Thanks,” the boys muttered in unison as they rushed up the loading bay and squeezed - first, they can't mutter a thanks to her at the same time as rushing up a bay. You need something like, they muttered in unison and then rushed up... Second, the place you're checked/searched/hand over your tickets/show your passport is never next to the departure gates, or at least not in my experience. There's usually a large departure lounge with duty free shops and restaurants after the checks and before the individual departure gates. Again, it's years since I've done any travelling, so do your research. The woman glanced up and smiled at Jake. “Don’t be silly, boy. - first, she would glance across, not up, because they're all seated. Second, here is a great chance to introduce Tommy's name instead of "boy" The group laughed and turned away from the child as they gazed out of the window and watched the people and places disappear as they flew high above the clouds. A steward approached the group and offered them a drink. Jake felt his eyelids droop as he waved her away and snuggled in his seat. He closed his eyes… - you use the "as+pronoun" construction three times in this paragraph. Vary narrative a little. Jason grinned. “February is winter here as well as America.” - sorry, I've forgotten what area of the US they came from, but I think you'll find that in February it's colder in many US states than in the UK. For example, the average Feburary low in London is 3*c but in NY it's -2 *c. He spotted someone in a British airways uniform. “ - British Airways uniform The air steward smiled. “Certainly, sir,” she turned - being female, she is a stewardess rather than a steward. The boys looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. - it's obvious you use your shoulders to shrug. The woman raised her eyebrows and a smile began to form on her lips. - began is a stall word you don't need here. Keep actions immediate. Mrs Thomas shook her head. “Will you behave and your - up until this sentence, you have followed the American convention for titles, ie. Mrs. Mr. From this sentence onward, you follow the British standard, leaving off the period. The boys climbed in and the driver started the engine and edged out onto Bath road. - Bath Road - also, think about viewpoint. How does Jake know it's Bath Road? Is there a sign? Jason thanked her, waved goodbye to Tommy and headed towards the receptionist area. -hotel reception/ reception area. I wonder if this is an affliction, I’m going to have being a vampire. - no comma. Jason appeared from the bathroom fully dressed. - too quick. He can't possibly have showered, dried and dressed in the time it took Jake to shout "Wake up!" at the other two. He caught hold of Jakes arm and dragged him across - Jake's Jake chewed his bottom lip and gave Mr Thomas a side wades glance, if he’s so low paid, how come he’s got an errand boy? Jake gave Mr Thomas a sideward look. - Jake gives him a sideways look twice, spelled wrong the first time. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Like narrative, today's dialogue is a bit dodgy. Okay, thanks.” Jake muttered over - several times in this chapter you've used commas to end speech where a period would be better, but here you've used a period where you should have used a comma. I suggest you do a little research into punctuation of speech. I take it you have nothing to declare.” - this is a question, so question mark. That’s ok. If you need to change it into sterling there’s a travel exchange shop in the airport.” - I presume you mean foreign exchange desk/kiosk ? The officer smiled. “How was your trip Mrs. Thomas?” - offset the name of a person addressed in speech with a comma, ie. "How was your trip, Mrs. Thomas?" “The officer grinned. “She had it last week. A little girl, seven pounds, three ounces - opening speech marks not necessary before "The officer". Also, she calls the girl a big baby, but she sounds about average for today. All my three sons were heavier than this. Are these err gentlemen with you.” - question mark? Why didn’t you say you knew little Tommy Thomas,” he scolded. - again, question mark. Look, there’s my car. - you might like to say "taxi" or "cab" for clarity. At first I thought it literally was her car, maybe with her husband driving. Here we are, Miss,” he said in an Cockney accent. - a Cockney - again, viewpoint. How come these American kids know what a Cockney accent is? Whatever you like. Sir” - "Whatever you like, sir." This one’s mine boys.” - comma before boys Come on guys. We’re late. - missing end speech marks, and "we're late" repeats his thought from the preceding paragraph. Come on, we’re meeting Mrs Thomas for breakfast, remember.” - this is phrased as a question, so question mark at end This is my friend daddy. This is my daddy, Jake.” - needs a comma in front of Daddy, and Daddy must be capitalised in the first sentence where it's used as a proper noun but not in the second sentence where it acts as a common noun. Well thank you for Breakfast, but we really must be o - breakfast doesn't need a capital. Jake really doesn't sound very grateful here for all the things Mr Thomas just did for him. said, don’t worry about it Jake.” - comma before Jake Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Settings were okay, but the layout of the airport didn't seem realistic, and I've no idea where the coffee came from in the hotel. I mean, the porter shut the door, and then it smelled of coffee? Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Still good. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. There were a few more issues with this chapter than any of your other recent ones, but I really liked the Thomas family. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/24/2017 @ 9:52am EST