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Review #4288562
Viewing a review of:
In a Moment's Breath ...  [13+]
A mother suffers guilt and gut-wrenching grief at the loss of her child.1st in Short Shots
by Mara ♣ McBain
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Mara. Nixie here.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*Exclaimr* Wow! What a story to discover on your 10th anniversary day. You held me captive throughout, as I joined the mom in her grief and experienced her guilt and self-loathing.

A slight disappointment because the brief description tells the reader exactly what's happening, before the story even begins. So it's only a matter of getting the details. Maybe the plot can be hinted at, but not divulged. Just a thought.

As the plot unfolds
Excellent word choices to describe how the mom feels. The beauty in the words emphasizes the tragedy she's reliving.

It was a bit risky to put so many words in italics, as that can be distracting, and I was distracted. But not enough to stop reading, and I really can't think of any other way to show the past. Not much point in changing anything now. One thought, for what it's worth. The past in italics (maybe) can be broken up by interspersing it with present moments. For example, she hears the neighbors, and then dips back into the past.

A few thoughts
My one question. In the first paragraph, she's been crying/mourning for 96 hours, yet it seems as if it's the first day, what with the neighbors around, and the mention of the emergency call.

Something else to consider. Watch out for those [ing] words and try to reword the sentences. You won "Short Shots" with this plot, so maybe it's something to consider in the future.

Lasting Impression
I wrote a story about a mom who lost a boy to an accident, but it wasn't her fault. If I was the mom in this story, I would never, ever forgive myself. She'll probably end up divorcing her husband and be miserable for the rest of her life. Sheesh. What a fate I penned for her. I'm happy you ended the story, sparing the reader the trip into the future.

I threw a few ideas out there simply because I liked your story and got caught up in the events. *Wink*

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. *Smile*



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