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Review #4289672
Viewing a review of:
 Little David  [13+]
She could only take so much
by Quick-Quill
Review of Little David  
Review by RainbowFish
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hey... Nine? Kindred? Christina?
Hello, whatever your preferred name. I found this item tucked away in your portfolio, and thought I'd show it some love!


Praise:
*Ornament3V* The dark atmosphere was built really well. The tone was "stone-cold-killer", and mixing that with the youth/cute clothing was extra creepy.

*Ornament3V* I liked that you implied who David was without saying it, allowing for the humorous twist. I really enjoy this kind of serious-not-serious story, where it’s written just like any other dark tale until you realise the author was pulling your leg the whole time.

Favourite line:
“After dinner; maybe she would reveal all.”
Capturing natural language, especially when it's monologue, can be really hard to do well, because the written rules of grammar just aren’t precise enough to capture it. I think the punctuation here captures the sound of the thought and the underlying abbreviated phrase really nicely. Not trying to lay it on too thick, but this is exactly the kind of writing I aspire to.

Ending:
(spoilers) ▼

Technical suggestions:
*Ornament2B* I thought “he lay there. Dead on the table” could be removed. I think you showed that he was dead pretty strongly already, and this just felt a little excessive.

*Ornament2B* “would be killing; little David.” I don’t think there should be a semicolon or any other punctuation after “killing.” Just “killing little David” sounds most normal to me.

Overall:
A short, fun story, especially if you enjoy reading the dark stuff. It didn't have quite the impact it could have (on me, at least) but I could see where you were going. You seem like a competent and creative writer, so I'll definitely read other stuff you've written.

Thanks for sharing! Just remind me to never ask you to babysit, petsit, or cook dinner.


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