Hi! I'm Fivesixer , and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Invalid Item" .

First Impression: Hey Aqua! Very happy to review your entry for "Project Write World"  today. There were a lot of emotional responses to both prompts, and emotion-invoking as well...yours was no exception, and you've done a fantastic job speaking to the Mandela prompt through imagery and the use of historical information and events.

What I Really Liked: Structurally, this is sound and it flows very well. Even with the absence of rhyme, the rhythm and pace are both brisk and consistent. Also, being from America I appreciated the use of footnotes to explain the events referenced within your text. The Peshawar Attack (an unfortunate attack that I was unfamiliar with) Immediately brought to mind the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in the state of Connecticut back in 2012...where shortly before Christmas a gunman entered the school and shot 20 kids between the ages of six and seven, as well as six teacher aides. Sorry to bring up such a horrible tragedy in what's supposed to be a Simply Positive review...but on the bright side, when your work immediately calls to mind other similar situations and readers can relate their own experiences, I think that's a mark of exceptional writing. And finally, after reading this, I felt the pain, the struggle, the want for change. I was moved by your pleas. I too want that same action, that same justice, for your land and mine on the other side of the planet, and all places in between.

Spelling And Grammar: I'm not gonna knock anything here...your words are so well-placed for maximum impact and when that happens, occasionally things get written down in such a way that maybe we wouldn't say them like that in conversation, but here you're painting a picture through your eyes with words, and to do so any differently might not have the same effect. And this is your poetry, not an assignment for a class...you're free to do this any way you choose, and I like very much how you went about this.

Suggestions: Two minor things in an otherwise outstanding piece, and you can take them or leave them once the winners have been announced and you can edit. 1) In the third stanza, "Mothers lost their hearts, fathers shed tears.", I'd consider using a semicolon instead of a comma between "hearts" and "fathers"...but that's just me, and I'm like a semicolon cheerleader or somethin' . 2) In the last stanza, I'm really not sure about "O man"...I don't know why, but it doesn't seem to live up to the same passion and excitement when trying to rally your audience around your topic. I'd maybe drop the comma after "Wake up" and substitute "O man" with "everyone" or something similar, but again, that's just my opinion and you're free to take it or leave it.

Final Thoughts: Wow...very powerful, Aqua. Informative and urgent, with the right amount of emotional impact. Keep up the solid work...you're a joy to read, even when the subject material isn't the most pleasant. I'm glad you entered this in PWW, and thank you for sharing it with us.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!

Write on!
-Norb



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .