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 Review #4290504 |
| Hello, TristenKozinski  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  There's some nice mood setting in the opening with the really eerie description of the water. However, it gets rather repetitive. If it were a poem, it would be great that the first four paragraphs begin with a sentence describing the water and with the actual word 'water' as the object of the sentence, but as this is prose it makes it sound a bit weird: …over the treacherous water/…over the brackish water/…far across the water /…into the water again - see what I mean? It echoes and lacks variety. It's essentially overdescription of the setting without introducing any conflict or the viewpoint character. The viewpoint character is mentioned by position in the opening sentence, introduced as 'the stranger' but it simply doesn't give us any point of reference to beging thinking about him as the viewpoint character, so on first read I thought he was somebody the viewpoint character was seeing. Because this is third person narration, there's no reason at all that Noir's name cannot be brought in at the very beginning. Characters — are they well rounded? Noir is an interesting, strong character. However, I didn't find him to be a very sympathetic character. It appears he's simply very powerful and doesn't really care about anyone except himself and his brother. I'm not sure who his brother was, though. Was he the leader of this city before the coup? It sounds as though the leader is female, so I suspect not. I was really confused about the thoughts. At first I wondered if there were two characters. Then I wondered if he had another soul inside his head alongside his own. Then I wondered if he were simply mad. At the end, I just couldn't decide what was going on with the thoughts that argue with him all the time. I was simply left confused by Noir. I was disappointed that I never got a clear idea of what Noir looks like. I presume he's in his 'Hyde' mode, and there was mention of tentacles, but it quite simply wasn't clear to me, and I was unaware that the tendril things were part of him until he killed those guys in the palace. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? You successfully bring in the main conflict (that there's a coup in progress) and introduce Noir's feelings about this situation. You also end the chapter on an interesting note, with Noir promising to get revenge for his brother. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?  With all the repeated description in the beginning, the story dragged a lot for me. It picked up a lot at the palace, though, and got better when we got to the bit where he was gaining information from the press. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Your language is grammatically correct and precise. However, it's rather verbose and with lots of repetition. I mean, you use the word 'water' six times in the first four paragraphs, and frequently use stall words like 'started' and 'began'. As this is sci-fi, you obviously want to get in lots of description of what's different, but saying the same thing several times over simply adds to word count and slows pace rather than making the story clearer. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? I do like the setting of Locked-Door. There's a lot of interesting stuff going on in the story. However, some things just didn't feel like they made sense. For example, why would you use a stone paddle if there's steel and wood available? Coracles are really flimsy, and it appears that the ferry is the only way to enter this city, so why would they use a coracle? I'm sure you're aware of the concept of the learning curve in fiction. In science fiction and fantasy in particular the learning curve is much steeper than for other kinds of fiction because not only does the reader have to learn the names and attributes of characters and the initial plot, they also have a culture and setting that's very alien to them and requires a lot of learning. I personally felt that the learning curve on this opening chapter was a little too steep. I was left really confused about why it is that Noir and the ferryman are able to operate normally during the night, as were some of the officials, while the majority of the citizens required locking up overnight. I'm sure that there's a good reason why they're immune, but it needs work. Overall, there was too much information too fast for me. It was overwhelming. The security at the palace was extremely implausible. I mean, given the dangerous setting at night you've already described, why would the palace have one new, junior, weak official answering the front door? Why weren't there soldiers of some kind on duty? Noir shouldn't have been able to undermine the whole security on the door in a fraction of a second. He was even left alone by the underling inside the palace while he went off to get help. No wonder there was a coup if anybody could just enter the city at night and enter the palace without being confronted with any kind of security whatsoever. Dangerous environments usually result in high security: multiple metal doors with multiple locks, peep holes, murder holes, multiple guards, heavy weapons on display, alarm bells/gongs/trumpets etc. The palace description you give doesn't match the city setting at all. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? I like the premise of the story very much. There's something similar in one of the Wheel of Time series, where one town is cursed and everybody goes crazy at nightfall, but then after going mad all night and killing one another, they wake up unharmed in their beds in the morning, but with their clothes and all the properties smashed up from the crazy violence and fighting. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I love the premise of the people going crazy at night and the main plot arc of Noir wanting to avenge his brother's death. I also think Noir is an interesting character. However, I feel you need to make Noir more sympathetic to engage readers, make the setting clearer and more consistent, and make the narrative less verbose. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/10/2017 @ 4:32pm EST