Take a look at these two sentences from your text:

With a hoot of surprise, Wayne jumped back, almost tumbling from his stool.

Wayne leaned back on the stool, a wry grin spreading across his face.

In both cases, you are using a participle phrase as a modifier. You are doing it correctly, though it's important to recognize that -ing verbs used this way imply a kind of action, sort of the idea of action, without actually causing anything to happen. The action is in the words jumped (in the first example) and leaned (in the second). In order for something to actually happen, this form of verb requires that it be lashed to a "be" verb, as in a wry grin was spreading across his face. But as a modifying phrase, you are getting the job done.

Now look at these examples:

With a flick of her wrist, she tossed the torch of twisted newspaper to the ground, the yellowish flames licking along the trail of gasoline poured across the floor, curling up the linoleum as they passed.

He glanced over his shoulder at the growing inferno, the heat like a hand pressing on his skin.

He wore a bleach stained Rolling Stones tee, his ample love handles spilling over the top of his tight khaki shorts.

His eyes shot wide at the sight of the handgun, his hands rising slowly over his head.

Aside from making the point that you are using this structure far too often, resulting in a kind of repetitious rhythm that beats in opposition to whatever content might be present in your words, these examples are simply wrong. The phrases highlighted aren't really modifying anything. In the first example a case might be made that torch is being modified; likewise inferno in the second and wore in the third, but all are clumsy if that's their purpose. In the fourth example, as in the others, what's actually taking place is that you are trying to force action out of these verb forms, and there just isn't any to be had. Here are some possible variations that would convey the sequential nature of what is inadequately being implied now:

With a flick of her wrist, she tossed the torch of twisted newspaper to the ground. The yellowish flames licked along the trail of gasoline poured across the floor, curling up the linoleum as they passed

As he glanced over his shoulder at the growing inferno, the heat pressed like a hand on his skin.

He wore a bleach stained Rolling Stones tee. His ample love handles spilled over the top of his tight khaki shorts.

At the sight of the handgun, his eyes shot wide and he slowly raised his hands over his head.

These are not the only ways to structure these sentences, but they get the job done and translate static modifying phrases into action verbs, always a good thing.

General Rule: don't try to force your sentences to do more than they're meant to accomplish. If you have two separate events, probably two sentences are called for. Be alert to those ing verbs. Used properly, they're useful, but even correct usage gets stale if overused.

Now for the story. I liked it, although I liked the original title, First Bite, much better than the current version. That's just a stylistic preference on my part; I prefer the more ambiguous first version, letting the connection reveal itself as the story progresses.

I liked the main part of the narrative, but I thought the ending was too literal. The guy in the doorway is a nice visual, but you've done a fine job so far with Eve's internal perceptions conveying all the information we need. For me, the conversation was simply taking the reader by the hand and making sure they get it. Trust me. We get it. He only has one thing to say, and none of it contributes anything that we don't already know. Having him appear in the light as she contemplates the upcoming conversation would keep the story in the same frame of reference as you've used throughout.

Picky, picky. It's a good idea and you develop it well.