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Review #4292439
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Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for Jan 2017. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

*Flower5* The Title: Powerful, emotional, a bold and evocative declaration. Kudos, you pulled me into the write as effectively as a magical portkey in Harry Potter's world!

*Flower5* The Beginning: It's an effective device, to use the title as the first line of a story. I took this to be a story - it read like a strong narrative tale to me.

The rest of the beginning is also laudable, it expands and softens the bold statement, but adds to emotional impact.

If I have a quibble at all, it's that the rest of the tale is flashback, it sort of isolates the beginning.

*Flower5* The Setting: Sometimes descriptive settings can take away from action or emotion. But a little of it might do more good than harm.

Take this passage:
"Not only was saying anything more than a one word a major effort, he had a tremor in one hand and reading was almost impossible as he had a hard time focusing on the page (I think this pained him the most)."

Show us some part of it. Maybe ...
Walt reached out a painfully thin arm, the skin was like crepe, his fingers tried to hold mine but the tremors made it difficult.

Or whatever you feel is appropriate. But take us in there, feeling what the narrator feels.

*Flower5* The Characters: Either there were intentionally a lot of them, based on reality, or you felt a need for all of them.

In fiction, short fiction, three to four keeps a tale taut, more makes for confusion, there's no time to introduce and build up all of them. Walt, the narrator, Cat, Carrie, Pit, Patrick, little Walt, Mischa, Betty ...

I got confused by 'Tiger', was it a nickname for Cat?

I also wondered why Walt's daughter's were described thus:
... and agreed to sit for pictures with them and 'Walt's Daughters'.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I have a weakness for description. But just enough, too much tends to distract, unless one is a master like Dickens!

Just using a little more 'showing', in place of the narrative 'telling', will make this tale wring that this of emotion which leaves the reader limp and awed.

You use dialogue well towards the end. Some of that in the beginning also draws the reader into the tale as it unfolds.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I do hope this wasn't based on anything that happened to anyone close to you.

Such tales are too personal for any feedback to seem other than a rude intrusion. Please accept that there is no intention to belittle anything or anyone, if so.

Otherwise, this tale failed to grip; with its strong potential to be arresting, there seemed a lot left to be told.

It's touching, and there are bits that stand out, like the line:

"I sat there and started to cry. So like Walt, waiting for me."

But what was the grand solution? What was it Marty needed to do ... it might be my lack of perception, but I just didn't get it.

*Flower5* What I liked:
It's a difficult subject to tackle. One has to tread a fine line to prevent it getting maudlin. I think you did that well.

It just bursts with potential, and since you are a seasoned writer, that's no wonder. But you can take it much further with just a tad more effort, if you choose to do so.

*Flower5* Suggestions: These are made not from any lofty position of ability or authority, but from the viewpoint of a reader.

*NoteGr* "at night all I have is an empty bed and memories."

Would one say "all I have is one orange and a bunch of bananas"? The very use of 'and' makes it plural, no? Then, should it not be 'are', not 'is'? I admit I'm confused.

*NoteGr* In the intro, you have "Marty decribe's"... An apostrophe implies either possession or a missing letter/s. Neither is likely in this instance. Please make it 'Marty describes'.

*NoteGr* "the tumors were inflicting a toll on his brain."
I think the common usage is 'exacting a toll'. Or 'inflicting damage'. But feel free to ignore me if your way is acceptable too.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 01/16/2017 @ 10:01pm EST
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