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 Review #4292886 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?   I wonder if this is an affliction, I'm going to have being a vampire. — This is a great opening thought since it not only reminds us that he's part vampire, but it also implies imminent danger if he might be fried by the sun. I'd suggesst two things, though. One is that this thought might be better as something like: "I wonder if I'm more sensitive to sunlight than other people because I'm half-vampire." The other is that you begin with actual pain in his eyes from the sunlight. Bright light can cause pain to people, and it might make the initial danger feel more real. Perhaps have him flinch away in pain, have the thought, but then try his hand in the sunlight and discover it just feels warm. Characters — are they well rounded? Mr Thomas is an interesting new character. You've introduced him well and his strange generosity and knowledge makes him an interesting character. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? This chapter has interesting things happening with the introduction of Mr Thomas and his unexpected and suspicious "kindness". The end hook, with the fact that Mr Thomas will probably see them again and Jake not knowing how Mr Thomas knows what he does, is interesting. One small issue: Jason appeared from the bathroom fully dressed. - You asked me to read this chapter once before and I think I mentioned this but it's still a problem. Jake has just woken Jason up, and Jason has entered the bathroom to have 'a quick shower'. Since that moment, all that Jake's done is wake up the other two boys, and that's all. In the brief time it takes Jake to wake up the others, how can Jason possibly have both showered and dressed? Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? This is a nicely, fast-paced chapter. Too fast in the case of the one point above under plot. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? A few small issues: Jake followed in the rear and shut the door. It clicked shut behind them. - Jake followed in the rear and shut the door with a click. - tighter Tommy spotted his friends first and ran up to them. - Tommy spotted his friends first and ran over. - tighter. Mr Thomas caught Jakes eye and winked, the man seems to know what I'm thinking. - you've already established that he's a man, so here a simple 'he's' would work better, especially because the next sentence begins 'the man' but refers to a completely different man. The man with the clipboard returned and whispered in Mr Thomas ear. - The man with a clipboard returned and whispered in Mr Thomas' ear. - don't forget the possessive apostrophe. it was a red automatic station wagon with a box in the back of the car. - it was a red automatic station wagon with a box in the back of the car. - you've already established the box is inside the car. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? A few small issues: This is my friend COMMA Daddy. "Nothings too good for the king of vampires grandson." - "Nothing's too good for the vampire king's grandson." - don't forget the contraction apostrophe in Nothing's "What did you call me? Did I imagine the last sentence? - missing end " quotation marks after "me?" Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? I didn't really get a feel for the grandure or otherwise of the hotel, the sensory information, the shape, size and quality of the breakfast or dinning room they entered. The food came and the boys devoured every morsel. Mr Thomas ordered coffee for the adults and orange juice for Tommy. - to better ground/engage the reader, it's best to use sensory information at moments like this, ie. what does this food smell and taste like? What does it feel like in their mouths, etc. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? As always, I like where you're going with this and the issues you're addressing. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. This is a well paced and engaging chapter. I like your new character and the question he raises. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/24/2017 @ 10:26am EST