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 Review #4293088 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The opening adequately reminds the reader where we are and what's happening, and it does have a little conflict, but it doesn't really do anything exciting or hook. Characters — are they well rounded? There's some really interesting things going on with the improving relationship between Derek and HHassorev and the deteriorating relationship between Jake and Jason. It seems a little strange that at the beginning of the chapter Jake is the one with negative feelings towards Derek becuase he's getting close to Hassorev, but then later it's Jason who doesn't like Derek, though earlier he said they made a cute couple. Jakes emotional changes are interesting, especially him finding the girl attractive and wanting her phone number. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?  It's clear what's happening, but this scene isn't exciting at all. The ending doesn't contain as much of a hook as your usual endings. I'm not sure why you need this chapter since so little appears to happen. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? With so little happening, pace suffers. At the moment, I feel you could lose the whole chapter without losing anything from the story, unless Jake's changing feelings toward girls was important to future plot. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? A few thoughts: Jason headed southward on bath road until he approached a roundabout. - It's a road name, so capitalise ie. Bath Road. Note that roundabouts are very rare in the US so at some point Jason or Jake might comment on this, and Jake might even try to turn right onto it rather than left. They are frequently called 'traffic circles' rather than roundabouts in the US. It's extremely likely that a young American driver would find the appearance of a roundabout daunting and unprecidented. Since I'm not American, and have only driven in California and Nevada, and haven't done that since 2002, I suggest you ask an American from the area these kids come from how they feel about roundabouts and what they call them. "This is more fun" Jason - missing comma after 'fun' what friend would I be if I let you drive in your state? - what kind of friend He indicated right as he approached their exit and made the turn. - If this is a British roundabout, I sincerely hope he was signaling left as he approached the exit! You should have gone before we left baby cakes - comma before 'baby' Jake saw a service cafand rubbed the back of his neck. - did you mean a 'service station' or a 'roadside cafe'? Jason glared at Jake. "Whatever."" - surplus quotation mark at end. while the rest of the boys header towards some booths outside a McDonald - headed, not header Jason pulled into the petrol station, - you might want to call it 'gas station' to maintain narrative viewpoint. Jake watched the cows and fields blur as the car sped along the road. - cause before effect, ie. As the car sped along the road, Jake watched the cows and fields blur. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? I personally could picture the roads, so no problems there. One small point: The juices ran down his chin. - this is great, but you might like to also mention what the burger tasted like to Jake. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Still lovin' your theme. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I didn't feel that much happened this chapter that wasn't already established in preceding chapters, unless Jake liking girls is significant. However, it's difficult to judge until I've read on and seen how this chapter fits into the novel as a whole. At the end, this chapter just seems to fizzle out. There's no clear demarkation at the end which suggests a concrete ending. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/31/2017 @ 9:28am EST