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The City of Locked Doors
by TristenKozinski

Here it is. Write a long chapter, get a long in-depth review. Good stuff here.

Chapter 10

>>> Noir strolled along a pipe the nighttime streets of the Babylon District, his eyes half-closed and his nostrils flaring as he tracked a scent.
...'strolled along a pipe 'in' the night-time streets...
(note the hyphen in night-time.)

>>>I know Babylon's always is the Narcissist in Chief,
Extra words here, plus 'I know' should be italicized.
I know Babylon is always the Narcissist in Chief,

>>>...a particular color isn't worst possible candidate.
Left out 'the' before worst.

>>> I heard of twelve separate cases where people tried breaking into them.
The word 'them' refers to 'cases' in this sentence. Cases could be boxes or incidents or vaults. Needs clarification.

>>> ...I understand why he's doing does not mean...
Missing a 'that' after doing.

>>> ...advancing past the curtain of banners in the darkness beyond
Missing a period at the end of the sentence.

>>> a ripple of surprise then fear rippling through the gray fur covering most of his body.
Too many ripples---try fear 'flashing' through, or?

>>> Noir crouched before him, "You're in no position to lecture
(not a dialogue tag, use a period}


>>> He refocused on Harley, "One would almost
(not a dialogue tag, use a period}

>>> Harley shoved the leather rucksack aside,
Since this is a long block of text and contains a lot of information, could you start a new paragraph here? It's new action.

>>> you and Alighieri- ah, here it is.
you and Alighieri--ah, here it is. (double hyphen for a dash & no space after)

>>> ...some form of repellant,
It's OK, but the usual spelling is repellent.

>>> Oh man up, dig your claws in and start climbing already.
I think it should be:
Oh man, up. Dig your claws in and start climbing already.

>>> Shadows slithered down the face of the skyscraper,
Really like all of this paragraph, Great action with images!

>>> Shadows coalesced of Noir, forming a bridge that slipped between tallest skyscraper's peak and lead to the Ambrosia District.
Oddness here with word order.
>>> Shadows of Noir coalesced, forming a bridge that slipped between the tallest skyscraper's peak leading to the Ambrosia District.

>>> So you're change your beliefs based...
So you're changing your beliefs based …

>>> ...you are my little voice of madness after all.
Like this!

Tenebrous = another new word I had to look up. Thanks.

>>> The room was at once cluttered and frigidly barren.
I think you mean:
The room appeared at once cluttered and frigidly barren.

>>> Noir strolled toward the furthest corner
Noir strolled toward the farthest corner (usually for distance)

>>> The Almas trickled in through the walls and ceiling, phasing through the solid Shadow-Steel much as Noir himself did.
Lovely world-building detail.

>>> ...made of stone, lead down into the Undercity.
made of stone, led down into the Undercity. OR leading down... (?)

>>> and the door closed him his wake.
and the door closed in his wake.

>>> Does he really think tthese walls can hold me?
...these

>>> Another door closed behind him with a dull swish drawing Noir's attention.
(Add a comma after 'swish')

>>> Well, isn't this a case of the kettle call the marble floor black.
(This is a question) calling
Well, isn't this a case of the kettle 'calling' the marble floor black?
Funny line.

>>> Noir drew back with a low growl,
This paragraph block has too much action. It really needs a paragraph break about: The Shadow-Steel ground cracked beneath him...
This is great action and images!

>>> The poisonous, acrid taste of his exploded into his mouth...
You can cut 'of his'.
The poisonous, acrid taste exploded into his mouth...

>>> barley supporting the ceiling,
spelling...
...'barely' supporting the ceiling,

>>> As he compelled the shadows, though, his grip on the madness within loosened and the plague rose.
I know what this means, but it's not clear that he's lost what little control of the plague he had.

>>> Constantine leapt forward kicking Noir across the jaw and flinging him into the far wall.
Previous sentence implies that Noir is now attached: and burrowing through the wall. It needs a: 'yanked him up' before the 'flinging”. (?)

>>> ...and stood, the hand he braced against the ground eating through it like fire and cotton.
Shouldn't the hand on the ground come before 'stood', unless he has very long arms?

>>> Constantine stilled his eyes whirrin0g with a frantic tick.
Typo in whirring. But other than that, this is a really good fight scene!
The action is clear and easy to follow.

>>> He opened his mouth and black mist poured out searing away his flesh to reveal a thousand copper gears.
Absolute Steampunk. Love it!

>>> Overlaying all of that, however, overlaying his own spilling corruption was Alighieri's scent: that of the ocean melded with rich soil, flowers and spring.
'Overlaying twice is a distraction.
How about: 'superimposed' over his own spilling corruption...
Beautiful contrast.

>>> Constantine spun on him as it passed and swept flung him aside.
,,,'swept' or 'flung', but together they don't work.

>>> ...collapsed beneath it and dropped it into the Undercity.
(too many 'it')
collapsed beneath it and dropped the hyde into the Undercity.

>>> ...and lunged forward plowing through the floor.
Two actions, need a comma after 'forward'.

>>> ...engulfing his arm in a next of steel barbs.
I think you mean: 'nest' of steel barbs. (?)

>>> ...driving the poison building in his arm out through his hand with another burst of black mist.
Good image and action! He's never quite defeated.

>>> So it can evolve as the fight progresses.
World-building, yes.

>>> Constantine, vaguely similar to a scorpion, surged forward, its arms slashing at Noir with a whirr of churning blades.
Make this a separate paragraph for different character action.

>>> He vaulted forward, twisting between...
Start new paragraph with: 'Noir' vaulted...

Conficta = Could not find this word. (?)

>>> He peeled them away in tormented sheets until he found the small, twisted creature within, its yellow eyes dark with the corruption's madness even as they glared at him.
Lovely, a moment to remember.

>>> The shadows coalesced around him as he went, healing his injuries and repairing his clothing.
The end of the sequence. Noir seems indestructible. (e:Smirk2}

>>> Whoever it is the supplied Lazarus
Whoever it is 'that' supplied Lazarus

>>> Noir hesitated. "Being alone."
Very nice line and reaction.

>>> "Good bye, Mister, I hope I get to see you again."
I wonder who this child really is? Maybe an important clue.

>>> He strode over its threshold and into the darkened room behind, grimacing as he felt...
Delete 'behind', it hangs up the sentence.

>>> He felt them surge to their feet,
The way this is constructed, “them' refers to the shadows. I don't think you mean that. Better to identify 'them'.

>>> ...desperate for some quell the shadows...
...desperate for 'something to' quell the shadows... (?)

>>> He turned to segment of the room
He turned to 'a' segment of the room

>>> The shadows convulsed, crushing Legion into pulp.
Noir's last little bit of violent action for this chapter!

FINAL COMMENT: Wow! A violence and battle-filled chapter with vivid images and elaborate action. However there were a lot of little errors that needed you to read the draft one more time, maybe out-loud to catch all the silly stuff. Still I liked and enjoyed working through it. Your creativity seems limitless and that's a good thing!
Best, Gale



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .