Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon

What I liked

This is an awesome story idea! I love what you've come up with from that prompt. It's a much better story than mine. And the naughty inuendo is absolutely inspired!

What might need work

Obviously, the picture is a specific prompt. In your story, you do produce this image of a pyramid in their dialogue. However, consider actually having them making the pyramid in the story, trying it out. I feel that would better meet the prompt.

Jennifer came bounding into the barn. “The farmer’s gone. We can talk now,” she said, scratching behind her ear - this is a small point about dialogue tags. The opening sentence here SHOWS that it's Jennifer who does the talking. To then write 'she said' TELLS us the same information. When it's obvious who's speaking, or has already been established, then you don't need the 'she said'. Instead just have the action, ie. …we can talk now." She scratched behind her ear, making her collar jingle.

purred Angelina, her whiskers flashing in the sunlight, - you've just said that they're inside a barn. If it's like most barns, there won't be all that much light inside, especially not sunlight as described here.

“Spoken like a cat,” Barclay laughed. - use a period, not a comma, to end the speech as 'laughed' isn't a way of speaking, so it's a separate action.

and would like to see about joining Zoo-manity” - missing period at end.

Barclay thought for a minute. - because the man just said 'quick' a minute is too long a waiting time. A second might work better here.

myself – a beautiful - he was introduced as an old mule, which isn't beautiful. Perhaps introduce him as a mule in his prime earlier in the story rather than as old?

I do hope these notes help. Not that you need it; I'm sure this story is a winner! Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .