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Review #4295760
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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{item:2110154} Written by {suser:andy78}

Hi Andy~hating university
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I have just read your poem "Invalid Item"  and would like to offer my thoughts on your work.

*ConfettiV* Spine-Tinglingly Good Bits

What I particularly liked was the subtle way you included the prompt lines. They read so naturally, it wasn't until I saw your note at the bottom of the poem that I realised they were the prompts, despite the bold text! I also loved the idea of her movements, painting, reading, jogging, reflecting the movements of the river.

*Confettir* Language/Imagery

This is a lovely line: The ebb and flow of the great river/ mark her life on its shore,. I also enjoyed this line: But in a faraway land,/whose name many people don’t know for the sense of mystery it gave the poem. It echoed nicely with the girl not knowing where he is as well. For the most part you use simple language and don't use any literary devices. Metaphor, simile etc enrich writing and I think this poem would definitely benefit from their use. It is a lovely poem, but I felt that I was being told too much, rather than shown, so I wasn't as engaged as I could have been. For example, you tell us she is worrying, but how worried is she? What is she doing that shows she is worried? She might be frowning, twisting grass in her hands, or some other action that demonstrates to the reader how she is feeling.

*Confettio* Content/Sense/Meaning

It's a lovely story, of a woman waiting at home, for the love of a soldier overseas. I reached the end hoping he would return to her but somehow feeling he won't. I think the lines standing on a corner/ of a dark, quiet street, indicate a solitude that suggests he won't return.

*Confettig* Structure

There is no obvious poetic form that you are following, and no rhyming. I like free verse, but I wonder if this would look better on the page if it was broken into more, roughly even verses, rather than the one long and one short. I see two natural verse breaks, ending with the lines the sleepless nights her only companion. and she tries to pass her lonely days.

*Questionb* Suggestions for changes
(including grammar/punctuation/spelling)

I don't see any mistakes in grammar etc. Other suggestions I have made above.

It was a pleasure to read your work, and if you'd like me to reread it after you have done any editing, I'm happy to do so. Keep on, writing on.*Smile*


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