*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4298738
Review #4298738
Viewing a review of:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
Review of Soft Wind  
Review by RainbowFish
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hey Survivor! I saw you were offering a significant gp reward on this, and figured you must be really wanting comments. So, I figured I'd leave my thoughts!

My response:
*FishP* I like that you introduce another character with the final line. I envisioned it as a lover, perhaps because of the “burning” metaphor that is as often used for passion as pain, but it could easily be a friend or a family member. Alternatively, you could interpret ‘you’ as referring to ‘nature’ or whatever, but I like it as a person. It changes the general feeling to a directed feeling. It’s a distinctive turn and works quite well as adding variety/complexity/interest to the poem.

Criticism:
It seems a little bit wordy. There’s some redundancy (you use the phrase “soft wind” AND “gentle breeze,” which seems kind of overkill, especially considering that “breeze” implies a certain softness). But this is a minor thing, it wasn’t too bad.

More serious criticism (brace yourself):
“Burning fire” is more than a little cliché. It’s overused enough that I don’t envision an actual burning fire, I just automatically understand that the narrator is agitated, which dramatically lessens the effect of using a metaphor.

Punctuation (i.e. me being nit-picky):
It is my opinion that a poem that uses full stops should use capital letters in a sentencely way, rather than just starting every line with them. It just seems…unbalanced. Like mismatched brackets. And it gives mixed signals about the type of inflection to read the lines with.

Hope my ramblings gave you something work with, and that I don't come across as overly critical. You are clearly a talented poet, and just remember I never claimed I could do better!

From RainbowFish


   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4298738