Hello Hossman!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


The opening is a little confusing because it's not clear from the offset where the narrator actually is. When you get to the point he's looking out of the window, it becomes clear he's inside his house but not exactly where. If you simply show where the headphones are as he picks them up then the whole beginning would be clearer, eg. "I moved to clear the breakfast dishes from the kitchen table when next to my daughter's half-eaten bowl of Cocoa Pops I spied those headphones she took from school yesterday." and queue backflash.

The hook of the headphones is fine, though.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Dad is a sympathetic character since he's trying to do the right thing and he also gets hurt doing it. However, he's not very well sketched beyond what's required for the plot. For example, why's he at home rather than at work? What does he do? What are his interests? I know it's only a short story, but a few well placed objects around the house would say a lot about his life and help make him a more rounded character. For example, "Last night after the Dodgers game on TV had finished, I checked in on my daughter since she was being unusually quiet in her room rather than playing that loud screaming music some kids play today. Why they can't listen to Frank or Gene like civilized folk I can't imagine." From asides such as that the reader learns what sports he likes and the kind of music he listens to, which helps make his character feel more three-dimensional.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


Although it's a tad melodramatic, it does work well. There's a clear conflict and he resolves it, receiving an adequate and well deserved reward at the end.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Your pace is fine.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Generally clear and easy to follow. Just two notes:

I take off like a sprinter outrunning a drug test - this is a great simile! However, avoid too many comparatives close together because it's like adding too much salt to the soup. A little makes it taste much better. Too much, and you can't eat it. Here you have the great simile to begin this paragraph, but then you end it on a comparison with famous people. It's an action scene, so it's better to focus on the action and put aside the flowery language and description a little.

I almost trip but with my gymnastic-like skills - either 'gymnast-like skills' or 'gymnastic skills'

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


The backstory conversation between father and daughter in the opening was presented as indirect (reported) speech. It would have engaged the reader better had it been presented as direct speech, ie. with quotation marks showing the backscene rather than telling the reader about it.

When the father speaks to himself towards the end, if you want to make it look as though it's a conversation then you need to begin a new paragraph for each 'person' speaking. Otherwise, you'd only use one set of quotation marks to contain the whole speech there since he's the only one speaking and he voices a continuing stream of sentences.


Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


Although that I get he was inside his house, I've no idea where and so his movements were quite difficult to see inside my mind. I mean, why go to the garage rather than through the front door? Where in the house were the headphones? You need to show where he is at the beginning, ground the reader in that location, and then give the reader landmarks on his journey so that they can 'see' his progress for themselves.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Wonderful father loves daughter and kids leaving traps for parents style themes going on here. Very nice.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


The actual story premise and plot are wonderful. If you can make Dad feel like more of a real person and ground the reader in the scene a little better then this could be a good short story.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .