Hello thesparrow

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


The freaking out thought is a good beginning because it raises a question in the reader's head about why she might be freaking out and so hooks them. But your narrative voice isn't active enough. Active voice, in this sense, means making the action feel immediate - something specific is happening now. Take a look at your first few lines:

Don't freak out.
She was thinking to herself, watching the people in the college hall walking around with confident steps.
You'll find your class. Maybe you'll find some directions on the boards you see hung up everywhere.
No, you better ask someone. But don't freak out. You have plenty of time. You arrived half an hour earlier; it's not even four yet!
Rebecca was standing still, staring with her green eyes at a note in her hand, as if that little piece of paper could magically show her the way to the class she was looking for.

"was thinking" is continuous past tense, ie. it's something happening generally rather than a specific moment. At this stage, you need the reader to be in the moment.

What you need to engage the reader is specific things happening right now. For example:

Rebecca threw herself against the corridor wall as young people flooded past, threatening to sweep her away. Don't freak out, she thought, though the other college students marched past with their heads high as if they owned the air she breathed, and every single one appeared to know exactly where they were headed. She scanned the scrap of paper in her hand, wishing it could magically show her the way so she wouldn't be forced to ask and look a fool. She scanned the walls with their noticeboards covered in colourful fliers advertising fresher parties and society promoting events: Harvard University Rowing Club, Harvard University Poker Society, Harvard Chinese Students Association. It seemed there was a society for everything, but unfortunately nobody was investing in putting up better signs to give directions. At least she had plenty of time; it wasn't even four yet. But she'd probably have to ask someone the way.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Rebecca is sympathetic because she's lost, a stranger in a strange land. However, you really don't do enough to emphasise that side of her. I mean, she doesn't know anybody or anything, so I feel you could make her much more at sea in this. Consider this part:

"Are you lost?" asked a voice behind her.
Her first instinct was to thank, decline the offer - It's very important for you to show as soon as possible that she's Italian, and also to offer a good reason why she's so lost. Here is a fantastic opportunity. Think about the first time you heard an English native speaker who wasn't making a special effort to speak slowly and perhaps had a regional accent you were unfamiliar with. Remember how lost you felt? Try to show that feeling you had here, and also slip in the fact she's Italian. For example:

Someone jabbered something behind her. Because she'd only been in America a few days, she still was unaccustomed to how fast the people spoke, and sometimes their accent was difficult to follow. Her TEFL (or whatever they're called today, lol) teachers back in Itally hadn't adequately prepared her for this.

She turned to face him. "Pardon me? I didn't catch that."

"Are you lost?" he annunciated slowly. Clearly he'd figured out English wasn't her first language.

You miss out on all the obvious questions Rebecca might ask Brian to be polite. For example, when he asks where she's from and she's answered, she might reciprocate and ask him where he's from too. She might just phrase it as "Are you originally from X?" Where X is the name of the city where they are, which will also introduce the placename of the university for better setting. And when she explains she's a teacher, she might ask him what he's doing at college.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


Classic girl meets object of potential love in opening chapter. No problems there at all. However, you could potentially increase initial conflict and so better engage your readers if you imply at this early stage that Rebecca already has a boyfriend. Within her viewpoint, when she notices how handsome he is, she could have thoughts like: I really shouldn't look; XYZ would be angry if he knew. Perhaps have some internal conflict, such as she's ashamed of her thoughts since she's already dating someone and shouldn't be looking at other guys.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The sequence of events is fine and the pacing is almost there. If you combined some of the single sentences into one paragraph, it would feel faster paced to the reader. Also, cut out places where you both show and tell the same information and the text will be tighter and feel faster paced to the reader.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Generally clear enough for me to understand what's going on, though you do need to work on getting inside Rebecca's head and giving her the natural reactions of an Italian girl in America for the first time. In particular, you might want to do more "othering". Othering is where you make cultural comparisons. For example, "In Italy, no boy would ever talk to her like that." "In Italy, no man had ever shown her any attention." - think about Bella in Twilight, if you've read that. She's just arrived in Washington State from Arizona, so there's a tonne of "othering". She comments on how the guys in her huge school in Arizona had never even glanced at her, but here in Forks every boy appeared interested… except Edward. She talks about how everybody here knows one another, compared to back in Arizona. How the teachers are so much more informal. How she doesn't have to pass through security and metal detectors as she enters the school building. How back in Arizona half the kids drove Porsches, but here in Washington her old Chevy doesn't look out of place in the parking lot. As an Italian, think about what struck you as odd when you first arrived in America. What did the people do that shocked you? What was the biggest difference between the schools in both countries? What stuck you as different about the clothes and the hairstyles. For example, did you find it strange there were so many shades of skin and hair colour because back in Italy most people had olive skin and black hair? I mean, I don't know because I'm not Italian, but presumably you do. Have Rebecca dwell on those differences occasionally and "other" the Americans around her.

A few notes:

All around her, boys and girls acted like they belonged there.
Most of them were smiling, laughing, talking, or simply walking to their classes. - first off, you have a lot of single sentence paragraphs. These two sentences fit into the same paragraph by theme, so why would they be apart? Secondly, this is a classic example of showing something you've told. Ideally, things should be shown and not tole, ie. here "they were laughing and smiling" shows us they're acting like they belong, but the sentence "boys and girls acted like they belonged" tells us the same thing. Avoid the telling sentences "they acted like they belonged" but use the showing ones, eg. All around her, boys and girls in their late teens strutted past chatting with one another and laughing. Such a sentence as this shows us that the other youths described here are more comfortable than Rebecca is.

The boy turned around.
"I assume you're new here," he presumed, walking with his hands in his pockets. - it's okay to have a tag in front of dialogue to show who's speaking, especially if it involves an action that is necessary before they can speak. For example, Mary took off her headphones. "Sorry, what did you say?" Also, there's no point in putting it into a separate paragraph. Also, don't tell something you've just shown because it stands out too much. For example, here you show his presumption in the dialogue "I assume" but then you also tell it in a following tag "he presumed". Try something like: The boy strolled ahead with his hands in his pockets. Glancing back, he said, "I assume you're new."

Only after she nodded, he spoke.
"Why does an Italian girl want to study Italian?" - Here, there's no need to state the obvious in the first sentence. I mean, if you simply state that she nodded, and then he speaks, it's clear he only spoke after she nodded. Also, his speech doesn't require a tag because it'll be obvious to the reader that he's speaking after she nodded, eg.

She nodded.

"Why does…"

she had already put Brian, the promised coffee and the path to her class out of her mind. - Within her viewpoint, she doesn't know she's forgetting these things, so you're slipping into an omniscient narrator. Also, you were creating great tension with her fears about teaching, and you might be better off ending the chapter on that fear and tension rather than this line.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


It's clear we're in a large, busy college and walking through corridors. However, when she's looking for signs around her there's ample opportunity for her to actually see signs and posters that show the reader what city, which university she's in. You never make that clear. Also, there's no smells or other sensory information. For example, does Brian wear a particularly pleasant cologne? Does the professor smell of whiskey? Is the corridor chilly compared to similar corridors in Italy? You could do a lot more to bring this setting to life.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


It seems like potentially you have a great premise for contrasting Italian culture against American, but you must do more to capitalise on those differences and your unique postion as an outside observer here.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Your story does have a lot of potential, with interesting characters and a strong plot. However, you need to get much deeper into Rebecca's head to "other" what's around her and also to show her feelings and the setting of your story.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .