Hello Zaighster!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


The opening paragraph about wearing black on a hot day and it being a funeral provide a strong hook for the story because the reader feels sympathy for the protagonist and at the same time wonders how such an event can be the backdrop for a comedy.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


The protagonist is clearly sympathetic in the beginning, and what happens to him does help show his character. However, beware making him seem uncaring about his mum and dad. Keep the humour situational where possible because this is a sad day for them all. Get what the people say to him to be funny rather than what he says or thinks. He needs to play the straight guy in this one, with everybody else doing or saying funny things, if you catch my drift.

Most imporant, NAMES! The protagonist needs a name, ideally revealed in a brief conversation with his mum that makes him look like a great guy, eg.

"Mum, I've no idea what to say."

"Johnny, I've lost my soul mate and my husband, but you've lost a father. We're about equal, I guess."

Then later on, don't just call them 'brothers' but give them actual names so they're more like real people.

Also, to make the protagonist a more 'real' person to the reader, you must hint at some life outside of the plot, such as a girlfriend who didn't want to go to the funeral, but he can't phone her, and maybe a silly hobby, such as collecting old hubcaps and he sees one on the side of the road but doesn't have the strength to cross the road to collect it, etc.

Along the path, consider throwing in a few funnier characters, such as the homeless man who offers to swap the bike for his shopping trolley, and the little old lady who he asks for a drink, but she thinks he's a confidence trickster and so attacks him with an umbrella - the usual tropes.

Oh, And I sweat more than most people too - this is all great character development, but you miss the opportunity to add extra physical details, and also you don't need to actually express what's happening or the truth about yourself. Be creative, because it doesn't matter if it isn't completely accurate. For example, 'Oh, and you know what they say about fat guys sweating. Well, let's just say that squeezed into my biker's leathers, I looked like a Michelin Man made out of black tyres. - note that this is also a good way to 'show' what he's wearing rather than telling it.


Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


The basic plot is okay, but it could be funnier with a bit more showing and less telling.

It turns out that the scooter was just overheated, - this is 'telling' and also a little too quick. Better to pretend one of your brothers is a mechanic, have him examine it for a second then burst out laughing. After that, they can have a conversation in which his brother ridicules him. This will not only 'show' rather than 'tell' the situation, but it will also provide much opportunity for humour in the conversation that doesn't make the protagonist look a douche, such as his older brother using a derogatory nick-name for him that makes out he's always been a wimp or something.

"You could have just called someone too." - it's actually implausible that he didn't if he had a mobile phone. You could always have him take out his phone when he breaks down and realise its battery is dead, and then try to recall his brother (the mechanic's) number, then realise all his contact numbers are on his phone, which he can't read because it's dead, plus he failed to pay his Automobile Association (Aussie equivalent?) fees, so he'd have to pay for a tow truck.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The try-fails worked well, but were a bit predicable. Try throwing in some less obvious problems along the route, such as a hot girl he knows from work and he has to hide to avoid her so she doesn't see him all covered in dust and sweat. Because the narrative is a bit telling, it feels less engaging which makes the pace feel slower than it is. Showing scenes better engages the reader.

putting aside my diet because ... well, any excuse to skimp on your diet, right? - this little humourous aside, the last part of this sentence only from 'well' onwards, doesn't work too well at the moment, imho, because we've just begun to read your story and have yet to really get to know your character, and this 'joke' loses a little of the sympathy you've gained in the beginning of the story, ie. at this point he begins to look self-centered and selfish. Have him do something nice, like comfort his mum, before you begin the jokes. Initial jokes should aim to make the protagonist look better as a person, such as ones about how his dad would think they were all soft/wimps if he saw them crying. His dad would want to know where the strippers were. Situational works better, too, since that won't make the protagonist look bad. For example, in the latest Bridget Jones movie there's a funeral near the beginning for Hugh Grant's character from the previous films. Half the church is filled with eastern European tall blonde models, and it's this obvious reference to the deceased's womanising that makes it funny. Then, one of the models gives a speech where she says something about a poem or something the dead man said to her that was very romantic and personal, then all the models in the church look at one another in confusion, and without anything being said it's obvious that this dead guy has cheated all of them with the same chat up line, and the situation is funny without any character losing sympathy (except the dead guy, whom the viewer already knew to be that kind of man).

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Generally, your prose is clear, with few grammar mistakes, and I can follow what's happening. Humour is difficult, so this is a tough one. All I can say here is that you do a little too much telling and not enough showing in your story. By telling, I mean saying you've had a talk with a guy about a glass of water and thought about kissing him. Showing is actually quoting the speeches made in that conversation and using the situation to add humour through what they say to one another. Also, your narrative could do with being a little tighter in order to make it feel faster paced.

I was not about to buck tradition for the sake of being comfortable. - It's always worth looking to see if you can tighten prose and at the same time make it more active. For example, here you already have a strong sentence. However, you could easily make it stronger and tigher like this: I was not about to buck tradition for the sake of comfort.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


What dialogue you have is okay, but there's simply not enough, so you're telling the story rather than showing it. For example, with the guy who brings him water in the street, a dialogue exchange rather than telling what happened would be better showing and also provides opportunity for situational humour, eg.

"Gee, man, thank you. God bless you." I smiled at him. "I could kiss ya!"

He took a step back, and the blood drained from his face.

"Jeez, Bro. Chill. I'm only joking."

or alternatively,

"I could kiss ya!"

He smiled and handed over a business card. "Why don't you?" He winked. "Call me up any time, teddy bear."

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


I liked the description of the heat and also of the road he travels along. However, you could do with a lot better setting at the funeral. I mean, it's important to the protagonist and yet I don't feel, as a reader, that I was even there. I cannot remember if it was outside, in a church or just a memorial hall. You need to show the reader where you are and what the place looks and feels like. Contrasts are always good, such as stepping out of an airconditioned pun into the midday Sydney heat.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


The theme of an Aesop's Fable style story with a list of morals at the end is good, but you need to direct the humour more toward the protagonist, to make him (you) funny. Exaggerate your problems and issues using hyperbolle.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Potentially, this could be a funny story if you can show rather than tell the tale, inject some more humorous situations into the journey, and also make fun of yourself more. It's essential you name the protagonist as early as possible in the story in order to make him more engaging for the reader.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .