Hello Robert Stuart

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


Although the later story is very good, this initial paragraph doesn't really raise any questions or hint at conflict, so it can't really hook. It does, however, nicely introduce Mum and the setting.

You might like to bring in conflict, though, to create a hook. For example, if you had her worried about her daughter being really, really late (since when she gets in, it's clear she is) or possibly anxious that her daughter won't be happy to see her tonight because they had a 'fall out' earlier and her daughter had said she wished her mom was like any other mom (which would foreshadow her mom being different from the get go).

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Mom and daughter are both awesome characters, though you might want to give them some interests outside the plot to make them seem more real. That's easier than you think, eg. by having Mom dust some rosettes on the wall and be happy her daughter still keeps her Pony Club rosettes and wonders how she's doing with her current horse. It's not quite so necessary for Mom to have a life beyond the plot as her daughter since she's kinda obsessed enough to linger.

You might like to have Mom name Christa within her viewpoint at some point earlier on since Christa is kinda the true focus of this story and also it's not really natural, or at least not for me. I have three sons, and I never think of them as 'son' when I'm thinking, but only as Dan, Oliver and Ed.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


Awesome plot. Wonderful foreshadowing. I do a lot of reading, so I knew by the end of the second paragraph that she was a ghost, but don't change it - it's fantastic! I just read too much and spot the clues too quickly. I'm sure lots of people won't get it until halfway through her conversation with her boyfriend.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Pace is great!

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


You have a really strong voice and a wonderful way of writing. There are a few issues with stall words and filtering. Here are a few notes:

as she suddenly screwed up her face and let her tears take over her again. - powerful words. I love the way you describe emotion. However, watch out for words you don't really need, the ones that don't pull their weight. Some people call them stall words. Here, I'd suggest 'suddenly' serves no function. Since the act of screwing up one's face is a specific action, it's not necessary to say it's sudden because it's actually happening now. The sentence would read just the same without it.

She suddenly collapsed into one of the chairs - also, avoid using the same word in one sentence after another. Here, not only is 'suddenly' not necessary, but it's a repeat of the prevous sentence.

I knew my daughter well though; she wouldn’t like that at all - in the first part of this sentence, you're 'telling' the reader something about the character. However, to be honest, you've already shown this very well through Mother's reactions up until this point, so I don't think it's necessary.

“Just leave me alone! - by this point, you've already used 'just' in several preceding sentences. 'Just' is one of those words that have little meaning and so should only be used if you really want to emphasise the imminence of an action. Here, the speech would be just as strong without it.

She suddenly stood up and ran into her room. - also, consider using stronger verbs or phrases where you think it's appropriate, eg. She jumped to her feet and fled to her room.

I suddenly realized then that I was probably - do I even have to say?

I could hear her weeping on her bed, - are you familiar with the term 'filtering'? When you're in the viewpoint of a character and telling the story through their eyes, either in first person narration or close third, then it's not really necessary to remind the reader who is doing the observations, ie. you don't need to use 'I felt' 'I saw' 'I heard' 'I knew' 'I viewed' very often, otherwise you're simply reminding the reader that someone else is doing these observations rather then themselves, which slightly spoils their immersion in the scene.

“Look,” Jack said, “ all I said was that I thought it was cra…” - to show interrupted speech, use an emdash— which you can get by holding down your alt key then pressing 0151 then releasing the alt key. An ellipsis is used to show speech that trails off, when the speaker runs out of steam or decides it isn't worth finishing the sentence.

Christa suddenly sat up and glared at Jeff. - do you get royalties on this word?

“But, but….” Jeff stammered, “But he did scream, right?” - with this kind of action, it's better to show rather than to tell. The standard way of showing stuttering is like this:
"B-b-but, he did scream, right?" - or "B-but," You don't need a tag to tell us he's stuttering since you're showing it, and it's obvious it's him speaking.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


Good settings. I knew where I was at every point in the story and you remembered sensory information like the taste in her mouth.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


I really liked this story! You had a great premise, and the theme of undying maternal love is great.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


I know that you have some issues with stall words and filtering, and your characters could do with a little more development, but I truly loved this story.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .