Hello deansharples!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


The opening with the appearent murder is good because it introduces the characters and implies conflict. However, I'm not sure it was a good idea to introduce Jean in the opening paragraph. She's not one of the two key characters, so you might want to leave her out of the story until the other two characters have been firmly established in the reader's mind.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Nick and Tom are fantastic characters, but Jean could do with a bit more life injected into her. I'd also like to know more about what all three of them look like physically and what their interests are other than what's essential to the plot. Unless characters have a 'life beyond the plot' they don't feel real.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


Your plot is interesting and contains a strong resolution. There were a few things I was concerned about. One was that Tom claims someone gave him information and proof ten years ago that Nick did something illegal and handed the information over to Tom. Why? I mean, if this third party had reason to hate Nick, as is shown in the story, why didn't he go to the police with this information? Why would he give it to Tom, who would have appeared to be Nick's best friend? It simply makes no sense. The other big issue was with the ending. It's implied that Tom is going to die out on the balcony, but how? If Jean is still in the building, and she wants to run away with Tom, why would she leave him out there? She can't collect the insurance herself without two bodies, and the police are going to get real excited and search for Tom if they find Nick's body riddled with bullets. I think you need to rethink and clarify your ending quite substantially.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Generally, this is a fast paced story, which I thought was appropriate.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Your narrative is easy to understand and does communicate the story, but there are a few issues.

Here are some notes:

Why is there an A between every paragraph?

Nick gets up off the floor and rubs his neck - Be consistent with tense. All the sentences before this were in past tense. Most of the story is in past tense, but occasional sentences like 'Tom tries to stand straight' revert to present tense.

'That story line has been done before many times. - try to use more creative language with idioms and imagery. For example, here you might say, 'That plotline was old when Moses parted the Red Sea.'

'There you go again!!!' - in informal writing, such as messages to friends, multiple exclamation marks are funny. In creative writing, they lose impact by repetition. Use exclamation marks sparingly within your narrative and don't use them for every powerful statement. if you reserve them for only the most important speeches, they'll have more impact on the reader.

'So what are you saying to me Nick?' - when someone is addressed in speech, you need a comma between their name and what's said to them, eg. 'Hello, Bob' 'Sally, what are you doing?' 'Hello there, Dean, how can I help you?'

'I drink, I get drunk and fall over. - rather cliche. Try to use fresh and aresting ideas.

'But this is my job.' Moaned Tom. - you have multiple issues concerning punctuation in dialogue. The most glaring problem is that you often end the speech on a full stop and then capitalise the tag verb, like 'moaned' here and 'said' elsewhere. The dialogue tag is part of the same sentence as the speech, so a comma separates the spoken from the tag, though an action that identifies the speaker but doesn't show how the speech was presented is a separate sentence. For example:

'Help me, Bob,' said Dean.

Dean asked, 'Where's Mary?'

BUT

'Help me, Bob.' Dean gripped Bob's hand, fear in his eyes.

Bob ran up to Dean and raised his gun. 'Die, you mystery writer, you!'

http://www.glencoe.com/sec/writerschoice/rws/mslessons/grade7/lesson30/index.sht...

Ten years ago when you were an accountant, you swindled the bank out of 10.000.' - in narrative, present numbers as words rather than numerals, unless the numbers are very large or reference numbers like telephone numbers or invoice numbers, eg. 'swindled out of ten thousand' or more likely in real speech 'out of ten grand'

overlooking the sea where no one would know he was there. - wouldn't Jean know he was there?

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


If something is going to become important to the plot later, it needs foreshadowing as early as possible. The balcony is key to your plot, so you should somehow work that into the opening. For example, when Tom hides ready to jump out at Nick, he could be hiding out on the balcony.

Sensory information would add to this story, such as the stench of whisky on Tom's breath and maybe the smell of salt air as the balcony doors are opened.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Your premise was good and the theme of someone taking advantage of someone else was well presented.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


I think the core of this story is good, but you need stronger narrative, better character development and a clearer plot with less holes.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1873271 by Not Available.

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .