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Review #4300887
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of The Old Bridge  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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"SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" 

Hello there, Mari McKee
This is a Simply Positive Review! *Frog*


*PoseyV* I am also reviewing your item because it popped-up on the Random Review click.

*PenB* Your poem is filled with the spiritual soul-food that one craves when pondering the travels of life's road and the "bridge" that we must all go over when our life has ended.

*Twitter* You describe the years from birth to death, and growing up, bringing-up and ending up, old. It paints the accomplishments and also the regrets -- for a lifetime has all of that to experience as we pass from this world to the next.


Observations:

There are several spots where a little edit in the rhythm could be helpful. I have added a word here and there as an example of way to give the lines more impact on the reader.


"far away, it is not easy to find,
some say it takes a whole lifetime."

*Idea* TRY: People say it takes a lifetime
 "People" has two syllables, thus removing the word "whole" which is unnecessary because a lifetime, basically means that one has lived a whole life.


"like the Pied Piper I follow the sound,
not knowing what was to be found."
Unknowing what is to be found Present tense to match the tense of "I follow."

"parents, lovers, pets I loved are waiting for me,
journey complete, I cross the bridge into eternity."

*Idea* TRY:
Parents, loved-ones, even my pets -- all waiting for me
Journey complete -- I cross the bridge into eternity


*Pipe* These are just some quick rewrite suggestions to add more emphasis and cut down repetitive words such as "lovers" and "Loved" which are used on the first line of this verse above.


Otherwise, well done! *Candy6*

Until next time--write on!

Regards,
WebWitch *Witch*









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