Hello gingerhedgehog!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member with the most awesome name I've ever encountered on this site! Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

I love the theme of your sweet poem, its great descriptive quality, and the simple yet effective structure with a near perfect rhyming scheme. It's a fantastic piece of verse.

What I feel may need improvement.

A few suggestions:

'Beauty' doesn't actually rhyme with 'me' and 'see', but it's close enough that I wouldn't personally change it, though I thought you should be aware of the absence:
http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=beauty&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&or...

A small and bright,
Flickering sprite,
Giving off warmth and light. - while I personally prefer punctuation in poetry, give some thought to the positioning of your commas. Are you familiar with the term enjambment?

http://www.poetryarchive.org/glossary/enjambment

Between 'bright' and 'flickering' you have clear enjambment. That means that if this were a normal sentence rather than inside a poem, both lines would be part of the same, continous clause. If it were a normal sentence, therefore, you wouldn't use a comma there. So, why use a comma in a poem?

Between 'sprite' and 'giving' in a normal sentence, you would use a comma (though many might choose not to ) because 'giving' marks the beginning of a sub-clause. However, since this is a poem, and you have a line break with a natural 'end stop' and so it's not really necessary to emphasise this with a comma. However, that comma is entirely optional, imho. You can keep it, or lose it, and it'll read the same.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/End-stopping

Such as sight to see. - did you mean 'a sight'?

Atop a pillar of white,
And when along comes a breeze so slight, - to my ears, the second line is a new sentence, not a run on from the preceding line. So, I'd use a full stop after the first line rather than a comma.

Conclusion.

A wonderful poem. Personally, I think the wording and structure is great as it is, but the punctuation could do with a little work.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1873271 by Not Available.

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .