Hello Angela444!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your memoir.

What I liked.

This is a very inspirational account with some wonderful anecdotes and great imagery worked into the narrative. I especially liked the cute anecdote about your wife's teeth and how you wouldn't marry her if she had them fixed. Beautiful.

What I feel may need improvement.

Although I really enjoyed reading your memoir, I did feel there were some easy things you could do to make the read more pleasurable and engaging. I'm going to go through a little list item by item.

Names.

Names are important in any kind of story. In life, we care more about people whose name we know than those we don't know. Without a name, a person is just a statistic. So it is that when we tell a story, even a memoir, names become important. But, the only two people who's names I remember from this are Lia and Nonna (Grandmother in Italian?). There was also a 'Zia' mentioned when you first entered the household, but it's not clear who she is. I'd recommend you make it clear from the very beginning what your name is and what your wife's name is. The easiest way to do this in a first person narration is by introducing some dialogue in the begining. For example:

I remember that phone call, the one that led to me meeting my "bella mia" for the very first time face-to-face.

"Angela," Maria said, "I want to see you."

The handset shook in my hand. "S-see me? Y-you mean, actually for real?"

"Sì, Angela," she replied in a firm voice. "Talk is no good for me. I want to hold your hand, my darling."

"But, Maria, you might not like the real me."

"How will I ever know unless we meet?"

Now, obviously I don't know what words you really spoke to one another on the phone, but I hope you get the general idea of how dialogue can be used both to set the situation and, more important, to fix the protagonist's name, and her love interest's, in the reader's mind.

Dialogue

I've already mentioned how dialogue can be useful. You have a little dialogue in the middle of your memoir, eg. Yes, she said, nothing else, just beer. However, you don't present it inside quotation marks, which confuses some people. Consider using quotation marks for dialogue, eg. "Yes," she said, "nothing else, just beer." Also, consider using a lot more in your memoir. Dialogue helps bring a story to life, showing a scene rather than telling the reader about it, and so better engaging them. That scene in the house meeting your wife's family for the first time would be much more vivid for the reader if you used dialogue to show what people said to you and your replies.

Paragraphs

Each 'paragraph' of your memoir takes the reader through a huge part of your life rather than a specific moment. I'd say that each paragraph you've written represents a 'scene', ie. a specific event in your relationship, like your first visit to your wife's family. However, usually paragraphs are used for much smaller segments of a story, so your paragraphs become a little overwhelming at time while reading. This may just be a personal thing coming from me, but I feel your story would be more engaging for readers if you could split each scene down into several paragraphs rather than just one, each paragraph containing a separate theme within that scene, and with dialogue between to bring the story to life.

Structure

While reading, I got lost at a few points, and so I feel you might like to slightly strengthen the flow of your story and bring in a few more details to support the core events. In particular, in the beginning I didn't get that your wife was from Canada. I thought, from what you'd said about her, that she lived in Italy. So, when you arrived in Canada, I got really confused. The other point I found confusing was near the beginning when your wife just arrives on the island. I feel that a bit more background on your relationship before then, ie. how you came to start talking, first met in the first place.

Conclusion.

I really, really like your memoir. There are several really wonderful moments. However, I feel you could better show the story with more dialogue, more spread out writing and the names of major participants clarified to better engage the reader.

Thank you for sharing your memoir with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1873271 by Not Available.

I do hope you find this review useful. I've written a story that I'd really like to hear your opinions on, if you have time. It's:

STATIC

The Librarian  (18+) Jess believes she's stumbled upon her soulmate in the library - for Quotation Inspiration. #2111103 by Christopher Roy Denton

Thank you!

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .