Hello DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


Great summary of situation and setting in the opening paragraph and a wonderful leap into action in the second. This was a perfect opening, imho!

Characters — are they well rounded?


Fantastic development of Callore and Jake's relationship in this chapter. She's clever, but she thinks he has the potential to be better. It's clear they can work together, and she's able to set aside her own wishes to help both him and those he loves. Great retention of Jake's love for Jason, too. However, I'd like to start to get to know more about Callore, maybe through some conversation. Like, growing up did she used to love Buffy the Vampire Slayer on TV until she realised some of her favourite people were the kind of monsters Buffy was killing? Bring in more about her life outside of the plot to make her a more rounded character. We've known her long enough now to grasp the basics (typical chick in leather who can beat up any guy, no sweat) but you haven't really shown us what kind of a person she is. Does she prefer lions and leopards or pink, fluffy unicorns? I'm sure she's not just some hot girl with no personality, so don't make it sound like she is. Make her an individual we can love and respect with a life beyond the plot.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


Great introduction of Callore into this chapter. Also, great development of what's going on with Hassorev. Wonderful end cliffhanger.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The chapter was a little too fast paced. You could have had more interchange between Callore and Jake, maybe even a bit of hand holding, a hug in the beginning when he's maybe upset to have shown he was scared and she comforts him. What you have already is great, but this chapter was very short and so there's plenty of room in the middle for some touchy feely getting to know one another. No actual making out, though. No kissing at all because Jason is lost, possibly in danger, so anything that lustful will make the characters appear heartless. Also, have Callore express something about worrying about Jason, and maybe curse Hassorev, eg. "Damn Hassorev! He knows poor Jason won't be able to survive on his own out here. If something happens to your friend, I swear I'll kill that ghostpire."

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


As I've said several times recently, your narrative is improving a lot. There are still many issues, but it's a much smoother read than it was a few months ago.

Some notes:

Jake stopped and gazed around. - there's nothing wrong with this sentence by itself, but you've already begun the paragraph with Jake's name. Unless it's needed for clarity, repetition of the protagonist's name somehow distracts the reader. Maybe just use 'he' for a few paragraphs, unless 'Jake' is required for clarity.

He shivered as the temperature dropped and the sun began to set - this is 'showing' (he shivered) and 'telling' (the temperature dropped) in the same sentence. Just show and drop the tell, eg. As the sun dipped below the horizon, he shivered.

She pointed to her fangs. "Which means you don't need tools only teeth." She laughed at her own joke. - try to keep dialogue simple and tight, and avoid any narrative that restates what's obvious. Here, I'd suggest: She pointed to her enlarged canines and giggled. "You don't need tools." - To explain, if she laughs, it's obvious why she laughs so why state it's at her joke? Also, you don't need to say 'only teeth' because her pointing to her teeth shows what she means without her saying it.

"Do you smell that?" she whispered. - in 'stealth mode' (ie. during combat or action) use extremely curt dialogue, eg. "Smell that?" she whispered.

"Deer, you go around it and head it in my direction." - here, Deer belongs in a separate sentence, with a full stop after Deer and a capital on You. Otherwise, she's speaking to the deer, if you catch my drift.

The deer stood motionless, wrinkled its nose and bolted in the general direction of Callore. - it's a little strange to have two contradictory actions in one sentence. I know what you mean, but the way it's written sounds as if the deep both stood still and ran at the same time. Consider something like: Like an Olympic sprinter when the starter fires his gun, the deer bolted in Callore's general direction.

Vultures, and there flying in a circle which can only mean one thing- - they're flying

...please god, don't let it be Jason... - capitalise God because Jake is addressing Him, and it's His name. Ellipes aren't just three full stops in a row, they're a specific character. Hold down your 'alt' button and then press 0133 in sequence then release the 'alt' key and … will appear.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


This is still your biggest weakness. Where are the snapping twigs that Jake steps on but Callore, frustrating to Jake, appears to have a magic knack of avoiding? How about Callore's fragrent scent of fresh strawberries? I liked that he shivered when the temperature dropped, but we still need a bit more of a vivid woodland setting.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


I'm really loving where this is going, but spend just a little time to better develop both the setting and the growing relationship between Jake and Callore.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .