Hello DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


Another excellent opening. The pile of clothes is a great mystery to begin the chapter, and the mention of birds reminds the reader about the cliffhanger, however:

Callore stopped as she got closer to the birds and studied the area around them. - say 'vultures' instead of 'birds' here because a) more ominous, setting a darker scene, b) reminds the reader vividly what the cliffhanger was from the previous chapter, and c) it's more concrete, less abstract, than birds, and it's always better to be more concrete and less abstract if you can do that without increasing your word count.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Poor Jason! Is he really dead, or is this a trick? (BTW, don't tell me. Don't answer this. It's a reader reaction, and telling me the truth will dull my senses to any foreshadowing you're intending to weave into your narrative.)

I feel Jake needs more grief, more powerful emotions in this chapter at the point where he comes to believe he's found Jason's body. (See pace below)

Sometimes Jake comes across as a bit whiny, pathetic. Mainly, it was when he was determined to chase after Jason's killer by himself when it's obvious he isn't in a position to do so and will simply get killed or cause more problems. He comes across as a bit stupid by trying to do that. At this point in the story, maybe it's time for him to grow up a little. It's okay for him to not be able to fight, but maybe make him more determined and strong, putting up with pain and discomfort.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


Jason's death was a huge shock to me and provided Jake with real motivation to fight the enemy, to really get involved in this war. You might like to have one or both of them say something about what they'll do to Hassorev when they get back, if they get back.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


I feel you really need a grief scene when Jake realises the body belongs to Jason (or comes to believe it is). We really need him on his knees in the damp moss, weeping, shaking, Callore comforting him, clenching his fists and screaming at the heavens. Stuff like that. Slow down the pace there while you explore Jake's feelings about the death of his best friend, and introduce some internal conflict over whether he should linger to burry his best friend or move immediately to locate his killer and avenge Jason's death.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


It's clear what's happening, but here are a few issues to note:

As they got closer, the couple could see it wasn’t leaves at all - you've just used 'as…got closer' above, so rephrase for variety, eg. 'when they approached'

walked up to it and Callore kicked the mount. - I think you mean 'mound'

but I think its wearing frilly knickers. - it's, a contraction of it and is.

“The clan is called bloodiest and I’m afraid the leader is your grandfather.” - if it's a clan name, it should be capitalised, ie. Bloodiest.

After all you are the generals son and should that fail… - general's, possessive apostrophe

"I can’t let you…” Jake started to protest. - when speech is interrupted by something, another person speaking of an action, end it with an emdash, not an ellipsis, ie. "I can't let—" You get an emdash by holding down the 'alt' key and then pressing 0151 in sequence, then releasing the 'alt' key to give — also, there's no point telling the reader that Jake started to protest when you're showing it in the dialogue.

the soulmate thing did contribute a little in my discussion to undergo this mission ” - did you mean 'decision' here? Missing full stop at end.

“I present you with your coat of arms, sire.” - it's not his 'coat of arms' it's simply 'his arms', ie. I present thee with thy arms, sire.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Settings were better this chapter, but you still need a little more description of the woods, imho.

Good use of smells in the opening paragraph!

When Callore says it smells like a man, perhaps she should actually be able to recognise Jason's scent? I mean, if she can track by smell, and she could smell deer in the previous chapter, wouldn't she be able to distinguish between people based on their smell?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Another strong chapter with great plot development, but don't skimp on Jake's emotions and Callore's comforting at this key point in your story.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .