Hello DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


It's good that you remind the reader that Jake is learning to fight, and this also hints at a fight to come. Great! However, conflict could be better at this point if she isn't so happy with his progress and still worried he isn't good enough. I mean, they don't train marines in a day. Have you ever read Old Man's War? In that story, they give old people new, super strong and super fast bodies with other enhanced capablities, but then the 'train' them. They don't need to give them exercises to make them stronger or faster, but they do need to demonstrate to them how fast and strong their bodies are and how it will affect the way they can fight. I suggest you take a look at that novel and then take a leaf out of the author's book, so to speak.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Greggario is interesting, but he could do with a little more detail. It's interesting what they've discovered about Hassorev, but Jake's lack of comprehension about Hassorev's part in the vampire's fight against him is baffling.

Jake growled. "You want me to kill you here or outside." - at this point, I feel you need some internal reaction from Jake at the confirmation Gregorio just provided that Hassorev is a traitor and has been speaking to the vampires about what they're all doing.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


It's good that there's a fight scene. Action is always great. However, it's a bit too quick and easy, imho. Remember, this is the first time that Jake has ever actually fought against a vampire. We need to get inside his head. He needs to see Greggario moving in a blurr, being unbelievably fast, and doubt his own ability to fight the vampire. There needs to be a longer fight in which Jake is actually been beaten in some way, so there's a real possibility he'll be killed. Then, Jake needs to do something awesome at the very end to scrape through by the skin of his teeth. Think about it some more and see what you can come up with.

he was in a meeting with the council members and Hassorev to decide what part he played in this." - given what Greggario said about Hassorev telling him about Jake, here Jake and Callore have unique information about Hassorev's involvement with the vampires that they really should be sharing with Jake's grandfather if Callore can communicate with him so easily.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The fight scene is a bit too fast paced for me. I'd like to feel more fear and hate from Jake, more sensory information as he fights, and more tension.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Clear narrative, but a few small issues:

She walked to the nearby river and started to wash her wounds. - watch out for overuse of 'started to' as a construction. You use it frequently, and it simply stalls the narrative.

"Hello, cousin." Jake whispered. - same sentence, so comma not full stop after cousin. However, I'd suggest that 'hissed' is a more appropriate verb here.

he dropped his knife and fell to the floor. - you've just established that they've stepped outside, so it's the 'ground' not the 'floor'.

your grandfather will be able to bring him back to life and he will - here, the last 'he' is Greggario (I presume) but from this sentence the 'he' means his grandfather. Perhaps replace 'he' with Greggario to make it clearer.

"Someone I know who knows about healing." - avoid the repetition.

"Now, can you cut his head off, please?" - if you want her to sound 'American' (I'm not sure what her nationality is) then an 'already' would work better here, ie. "Now, cut his head off already."

and I don't want to be around when that happened." - happens, future tense

"I just told the general, we have accomplished our mission and are on our way home." - no, they didn't. Their mission was to locate and rescue Jason. Given the situation, she should have used this technique to inform the general what they were doing BEFORE they went to the tavern, then this would make sense here.

he was in a meeting with the council members and Hassorev to decide what part he played in this." - he IS in a meeting, not was.

If he'd taken arms against anyone else, he'd be banished, - but he has! Greggario told them that he'd been warned about Jake by Hassorev, which indicates Hassorev is helping the vampires to attack Jake.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


The tavern needs a lot more work to bring it to life, like how many people are inside, are they at tables, what are they wearing, how is this place DIFFERENT from bars where Jake comes from, what music is playing if any, etc etc. Make this place come to life.

Taverns, especially dodgy looking ones like this, should have very distinct and interesting smells, like tobacco/pipe smoke, real wood fire, stale ale, body odour of a hundred unwashed bodies, or whatever. Add to the sensory detail at their moment of entry, even if it's only entering the warm room after the chill night air outside.

The 'old people's socks' on the other hand was awesome - a wonderful sensory device.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Loving the plot and character development and direction, but both the main fight action and setting in this chapter need a lot of work.


Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .