Hello battlegundam!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


Your opening successfully introduces the protagonists, setting and situation. We understand where we are and why. So far so good. However, three problems come to mind.

It doesn't contain a particularly strong hook — either a hint at coming action and adventure that compels the reader to continue, or an important question inserted into the reader's mind that they want answering. Given your setting, an obvious hook would be something like: "Jeez, why did they send three armoured cars and a whole platoon of marines just to escort one princess?" "Dunno, Serg. Maybe it's something to do with that rumour that's been floating around camp." "You mean about the terrorist threat?" An exchange of this type informs the reader quite naturally both that there's a heavy military presence here and also a potential threat to life at this point. As it is at the moment, everybody's quite relaxed and wishing they were somewhere else doing some actual fighting.

The descriptions of the convoy and the characters are like a list of things, an info dump that is 'told' rather than 'shown' in the narrative. Showing would be like with the example above, where the two characters talking give you some details (but not all) about the convoy so that the reader can picture it in their mind without reading a list.

It's unclear who the viewpoint character is. Usually in this kind of scene the reader is shown everything through the viewpoint of one of the participants. Instead, you've got a very broadbrush approach that doesn't engage the reader as much as getting inside the head of one character might, imho.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Having read the whole chapter, I'm guessing that Ren Tori is intended to be the protagonist of this story. However, it's not clear because there are other characters introduced and given as much of a role as him and also the narration is really omniscient, with no particular emphasis given to anybody's viewpoint. I feel that maybe you need to do more to show this story from Ren's viewpoint and consider not using other character's viewpoints and instead just showing only what he can see at this early point in your novel. By the end of this chapter, I didn't feel I really knew anything about Ren, such as his interests or family situation etc, things not necessarily relevant to the plot at this stage. Think about it. If a person is going into battle, they are going to be aware of their mortality and the potential for imminent death, so they will think about their loved ones back home, maybe feel regret that they didn't manage to complete such and such a hobby task, and pray to whatever deity they believe in. In Battlestar Galactica, I remember, Captain Adama loved model ships and spent a lot of time gluing them together, and as the stories progressed his ships were often used as a kind of visual tool to show what kind of person he was, his attention to detail, patience, love for the historical and traditional, and his ability to organise complex things.

The main thing that concerned me while reading this chapter was that there were so many characters introduced in a very short period of time. When a reader begins a sci-fi book, they face a very steep learning curve. Not only do they have to learn about the characters, they also must learn about an alien technology and an alien culture, since the people of the future won't be like us. Lots of characters makes that curve even steeper, making it difficult for readers to engage with the story. Showing the story only from Ren's viewpoint would narrow the number of characters you must introduce making it easier for readers to immerse themselves in the story.

Petty Officer Jackson had long, brown hair that smelled like peppermint and vanilla, which was the special kind of shampoo he used every day. - details like this about a character are really great. However, think about their relevance at the moment you introduce them. Here, the guy is on the radio in the middle of an attack on a military base. Do you think that the type of shampoo he uses is either the most pertinant thing about him or a detail that the reader wants to read. Consider using more relevant details, such as his prior experience that qualifies him for this role, his special skills as a soldier.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


It's clear that there are two groups who are fighting with one another. That's great conflict. However, I got no hints whatsoever WHY they're fighting. It just seemed like both groups of people were only fighting because the other group had killed their friends. I feel you need to show the reader why they should care about what one of the combatants is fighting for. If the reader doesn't feel that one side in this war is good and the other bad, they won't care who wins. You need the reader to care.

Though she would only stay for this one time, they'd try to make the experience enjoyable. - Given that there's a clear and present danger to the princess' safety, I would not have thought that making the experience 'enjoyable' was her escort's biggest priority at this stage.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The story is fast paced with lots of exciting things happening. However, beware introducing personal information about so many characters because not only will the reader get lost trying to remember who smells of pepermint and who stinks of something else, but the little asides for detail do slow the pace where they appear and distract the reader from the story you're trying to tell.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


The biggest problem I had reading this chapter was trying to work out whose side I was on. What I mean is, in this kind of story it's usual to show the viewpoint from one side's perspective rather than both. When reading this opening chapter, at first I assumed I should be rooting for the guys in the convoy with the princess since they're the people whose life you were showing me. But then later I get to see things from the other guys viewpoint. Neither of the two sides came across as either bad or good, so I've no idea which of these two groups are the bad guys and which the good guys.

I feel you need to show that one group are the protagonists, the heroes of your story, and the others are the antagonists, the bad guys. Later on, you might want to swap sides, but for now, since we've just started reading, we need some initial guidelines as readers.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


"Good work Recon Twelve, now return back to the Sabertooth as we prepare for the attack on the Federation base." - with dialogue, try to think what the characters would actually say rather than what you wish to communicate to the reader. Here, for example, the people give details about their plans over the radio. Not only does this mean that anybody who intercepted the communication would now know their plans, but also in real life people don't often tell their inferiors what their plans are or what they're going to do next. Military communications are usually very brief and to the point, only saying what's necessary to get the job done.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


You have some fantastic ideas for modern weapons and machines, but beware introducing too much too fast. Think about Starship Troopers where first the Baretta automatic weapon is introduced, and the story takes some time to explain its uses, then the armour, and then finally the spaceship from another viewpoint. The viewer is given time to get used to the terminology and capability of each futuristic device before the next is introduced.

From the title 'Mobile Suit' I'm guessing these guys wear the kind of semi-robotic suit described in the classic novel Starship Troopers and perhaps inspired by the term 'mobile infantry' used in the film of the same name. That's cool. Peter Hamilton took that idea one step forward in his novel The Nano Flower when he imagines the suits as being bio-engineered so that they're fully integrated into the human wearing them and act literally as part of their body during combat.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Overall, you have some great action and wonderfully complex technology, but I feel you need to make the ride a little easier for the reader by introducing less detail in your opening chapter so as not to overwhelm them.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .