Hello, iluvhorses

What I liked

As a person from the other side of this equation (an adoptee who traced his birth mom) I can relate to this memoir.

There are some beautiful emotions shown within this short piece, and I personally found it moving.

What might need work

During the build up of anticipation before you open the envelope, try to move beyond your own feelings and reliance on hubby's emotional support and also include some 'regret' and 'reassurances' to provide clearer 'setting', eg. maybe wish you hadn't had to give Ann up as a baby, but assure yourself it was the best choice at the time because you could never have provided for her emotionally and physically because you were a different person when you were eighteen, providing (though application of emotions to your memories) background to the reader of why Ann was given up for adoption at the time.

Watch out for tiny errors that have crept into your narrative. For example, in the sentence "in fact i whispered that to her as she slept in my arms that last evening in the hospital" capitalise the "i".

Stylistically, don't "tell" and "show" the same thing. For example:

It was a mid-May afternoon. The spring sun shone brightly. Across from the porch a large lavender-colored lilac was in full bloom, fragrantly scenting the air. My favorite flower, lilac, evokes many memories of spring's hopes, love, joy.

Within that section, you have two uses of the word "spring" and a specific mention of the month. Firstly, the actual month is irrelevant to the emotion of the piece. The key metaphorical tool is that it's spring, a time of winter's end and new growth/rebirth. From your constant references to melting of frozen heart type stuff, you do comprehend this and have made use of the metaphor. However, you're still telling it. Consider removing specific "telling" references to the month and overuse of the word "spring", eg.

The afternoon sun warmed my face. Across from the porch, a lavender-colored lilac bloomed, scenting the air. Lilacs are my favorite flowers because they evoke emotions of hope, love and joy that I associate with spring.

I stumbled at first on reading the line "Perhaps the long frozen part of my heart will thaw when i read this letter. I tremble in anticipation" because I thought it was a grammar error, a use of "will" where "would" should be. However, reading on, I discovered this marked a departure from past tense to present as you prepare to read the letter. I presume this is to subtly communicate to the reader the intimacy of the moment. However, because the first two short sentences of that paragraph are first a fragment and then a pluperfect, the transition became quite a stumble, with four tenses within one paragraph. Also, why choose that moment to mark the departure. Surely the moment of actually opening the envelope would be the key moment, the point when past became present emotionally speaking? Personally, I'm not sure it's a good idea to shift from past to present for the core central part of the story, but I can understand the psychological impact you're aiming at.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .