Hello Milo Prevo!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


Your current opening contains a small hook because it successfully shows that the three kids are scared of the wizard. It also sets the location well. However, it starts by introducing three characters who, it soon turns out, have nothing at all to do with the story at this stage.

When you begin reading any story, you're faced with a learning curve. This curve is caused by all the new things you must learn, such as the names and personalities of the characters, the setting of the story and the initial set up of the plot. The curve is steepest with sci-fi, fantasy and historical because all three contain alien cultures and settings we're unfamiliar with which we must learn before we can fully understand the story. The more unfamiliar any of these are to our own experience and the more characters and plot lines we must learn, the steeper the curve. Here you present the reader with three names to learn, none of whom they need to know to understand the initial set up of the story, so unnecessarily steepening your curve.

A story also has a natural timeline. It's natural to follow the protagonist's life from the moment that their life becomes relevant to the plot until the moment they resolve the main conflicts. When you jump around in time, you vere from the natural timeline and add complexity to the story. Sometimes this complexity is necessary, such as with a time travel story or when the character's past must remain a mystery up until a certain point. In your story, there's no reason you cannot start at the moment Gayle first enters the village as a child, so keeping the timeflow completely linear.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


I like Gayle because he's a sympathetic character, ie. he has characteristics that the reader will find appealing, such as his early loss of his parents or the way in which the villagers treated him when he was a child. I especially liked the handprint anecdote.

Once you've named your protagonist, avoid overusing his name in one paragraph. For example:

Gayle read his book until the sun had almost completely disappeared behind the lower peaks of the mountain. Gayle made his way to the kitchen and set a pot of water on to boil. The three handprints on the wall of the cabin caught Gayle’s eye. He walked over to the wall and sat down on the floor. Gayle ran his hand across the handprints as he let nostalgia wash over him.

Instead, attempt to use a wider variety of sentence structures that avoid using his name or use the simple, third person pronoun, 'he'. For example:

Gayle read until the sun dipped below the horizon. Deprived of light, he entered the kitchen and set the kettle on the fire. Three handprints on the cabin wall caught his eye. Nostalgia washed over him as he recalled how they got there.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


The conflict in your opening is clear and interesting enough to capture the imagination. You have enough detail of the main plotline for an opening chapter.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The unnecessary introduction of three throw away characters in the beginning along with the time shifts make this feel slower paced than it should be, imho.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Your narrative is clear enough that I can understand the story as it unfolds and is relatively error free.

Personally, I feel it would be a better opening if you only presented what the protagonist experiences rather than using an omnisicent voice. In that way you could better engage the reader, getting them inside Gayle's head.

Beware overuse of exclamation marks, especially in dialogue. It's very tempting to use them in every speech, but the more they're used the less power they possess.

You don't need to use a tag to label every speech. The position of the speeches and what's said often identifies who's speaking during an exchange.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


The hut on a mountain was an interesting setting, though why it would be on the very peak mystifies me. Built into a cave or recess on the more sheltered side of a high slope would seem more suitable and traditional, like many ancient temples around the world built near mountain peaks, for example:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanging_Temple

or

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yungang_Grottoes

or even

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machu_Picchu

on a ridge.

When narrating your story, don't forget the senses of taste and smell. He puts on water to heat. What about the smell of woodsmoke? The smell of soup cooking or coffee? The taste of whatever he's boiling the water for.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


I believe you have a great premise, plot and character, but that you should give more thought to the structure of your opening.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .