Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon!

What are you doing on here when you should be sunning yourself in Mexico!?!

I hope that this review proves completely unhelpful to you because you've entered this story in the same contest as me. Please remember that everybody has different tastes, but mine is always right, especially when I tell you to do something that might ruin your chances in said contest that we've both entered. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism malice and spite with a hope that it will be useful lose the contest for you if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


Yeah, that's one hellova hook, my friend. Demonic dipping even worse than my zombie zonking jinks.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Great characters, both instantly sympathetic, especially poor Miranda.

Consider making Gabe a woman, though. I understand that he's either an angel or a Church ninja who's entered here without permission of the hospital board, but when he first appeared there was a slight break in my suspension of disbelief because I cannot imagine any hostpital of this kind using men to watch women or women to watch men in this current age. I mean, you can understand what would happen if men were given unaccompanied access to young women who were psychologically unbalanced so that nobody believed what they were saying, right? So, when Gabe first entered her room, I thought it weird and was instantly both suspicious and confused. If he'd been a woman, I wouldn't have felt this issue.

I think Miranda needs a bit more development. Gabe is okay (with one exception - see dialogue) as he is, but Miranda needs more depth as the protagonist. Most imporant, you need to foreshadow that she once had faith before using it as a plot structure later when Gabe talks about her little faith adding to his strong faith etc. I feel we need more internal thoughts from her about what life was like before she went crazy, and you might phrase that in such a way that not only does it round her character but also implies faith, eg. Her life had once been mundane, like anybody else's, she'd gone shopping every Saturday with her boyfriend, helped out at the Sunday School after Church, and had a nice part-time job filing at a small accountents' office. But all that was ancient history now.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


Far too good. You should definitely change this! The conflict is completely clear, and the resolution satisfying (unless you're a sex-craved demon, in which case it most definitely was not!)

The only thing I'd suggest is a simple change from sin eater to exorcist. It's kinda strange that she might have heard of a sin eater, but would be completely understandable that she'd have heard of an exorcist. I mean, who hasn't. And there are lots of different forms of excorcists, from thoss traditional ones associated with the Catholic Church to more lively ones in the Pentecostal Movement and even witches that banish evil spirits, so it's a kind of universal thing people understand. I mean, Buffy never went to Church, but nobody raised an eyebrow when she and her best friend, Jewish Willow, used crosses to fight vampires. I'm simply saying maybe stick a little closer to cannon in the methodology, but vere toward the naughty in your narration and scene setting.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Very fast paced and generally far too good for the likes of you!

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Clear narration, easy to follow and nice word choices, poetic in places, innit.

Watch out for the useless words not carrying their weight slipping in every now and again. For example, this sentence that's used twice in your story, at the beginning and near the end for impact:

She watched the room brighten as the moon silently rose in the night sky, its soft - all very poetic and pretty but, seriously, where else would the moon rise?

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


I like Gabe's voice a lot. He's cool. However, just to add interest, I'd be tempted to give him an accent, like an ethnicity. For example, in True Blood, the screen writers gave Lafayette's Hispanic, psychological nurse boyfriend a really cool Mexican accent. Perhaps while you're out there you should keep your ears open and add some of what you hear to Gabe's character. I simply feel that since there's not much more you can do about his background to round him without spoiling the story, a distinctive accent might help.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Love the description of her room, and the fresh air outside contrast. Don't forget to make it cooler outside, too. Also, be more specific about the smells, I feel. Like, instead of 'institutional' maybe disinfectant and bleach, you know, even though it's a psych ward, it's still a hospital, and given what happens with her every night, I bet there's a lot of disinfecting goes on in her room.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Love this excorcism thing combined with demon possession. All fantastic.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Don't enter this story into the contest; I want to win!

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Yeah, this is far too good for the contest, imho. If you can round out her character a little, give him an accent or ethnicity, oh and make him a girl, and also cut any useless words, you'll win this thing, damn you!!!

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .