Hello Peter Simmonds!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

First off, please let me say, I really enjoyed this read, but please amend your rating to 13+ immediately. There are certain issues discussed within your story that are most certainly not E rated.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


While your story and its narrative are actually really good, the opening paragraph isn't. It 'tells' the situation like a list in a manner sometimes refered to as an 'info dump'. Most of the details 'told' in that paragraph are 'shown' very nicely in the following few paragraphs as you set the scene. There's a nice hook toward the end of the second paragraph with the description of the mysterious punter. Imho, you'd be better off scrapping your opening paragraph and going straight for the scene inside the pub.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Death is really good, and I love him. The bartender not so much.

For some reason, you wait until half way through the story to mention that his name is Paul, and when it's first mentioned it somes so out of the blue that the reader wonders who this Paul is who's been mentioned for the first time. As the story progresses, we don't really find out much about Paul, why he works here, what family he has, what interests he has. We merely find out his age and that he's unambitious, but these facts are 'told' rather than shown as the action progresses. Toward the very end of the story, we find out he has a father and a grandmother, but that's too late. If you want readers to feel that your protagonist is real and also rounded then you need things like his name and his interests earlier on in the story rather than at the very end. People care much more for someone when they know their name and know enough about their lives to relate to them so it's more engaging if we know these things earlier on.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


I liked the premise of this story, and the ending is great. No issues there.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


I found the beginning of the story a little slow, but that was more due to writing style than a lack of interesting things happening. Watch out for irrelevant stuff and overly verbose narrative. The use of telling and showing the same thing, too many images and details, and general redundancy really slowed the piece throughout.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


You have a really great voice with lots of character to it and the story is very clearly told.

You do however have an issue of 'telling' rather than 'showing' things. Often you 'tell' something' and then go on to 'show' the same thing. For example:

'Telling' be 'The story takes place within the aging walls of a small pub,'

'Showing' be 'the modest fire that burned away in the King's Arms Inn did little to halt the advances of the harsh, frosty air through the gaps in its ancient windows. The 'hotel', as it is optimistically described on its creaky pub sign, offers three poorly equipped and scruffy rooms' - you see, the mention of 'ancient windows' with 'gaps' shows us that it's old, and the mention of 'modest fire' and 'three rooms' shows us that it's small. Since you're showing this stuff, there's no point in telling it.

You have some wonderful similes, but you also over-write them quite often. For example:

, and has as much success masquerading as a hotel as a London pigeon has pretending to be a bird of prey. - why 'London' when it adds nothing to the image? why 'bird of prey' rather than 'eagle' which would be much more succinct and concrete, ie. , and has as much success masquerading as a hotel as a pigeon has pretending to be an eagle.
And:
The whole getup had the impression of something a priest from a twelfth century cult would don whilst conducting a rather nasty sacrifice for the Fertility Gods. - consider: The whole getup gave the impression of something a Satanic priest would wear conducting a human sacrifice. - see how it's more succinct yet carries a very similar meaning. Being shorter, it's faster paced and so has more powerful impact.

Also, don't use too many similes. Just a couple on every page would work fine. Too much imagery carries the danger of heading into 'purple prose' territory.

than to poor Death another pint and make the most of Its unusual company. - pour not poor

but Death thought he'd cater to the human's need for physical description. He also discovered some time ago that these lowly folk love alliteration). - up until this point, you've mainly remained in the barman's head. I'd suggest you retain a strict human single viewpoint for the narration since you show that Death is beyond comprehension, so how could we comprehend his thoughts?

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


Your settings were awesome, but try to 'show' them as the action progresses rather than 'telling' them, ie. only mention them when they're relevant, what the narrative viewpoint character would see and alongside an acton.

Compare:

There was a dusty, old mahogany bar with lots of shelves and a mirror behind them. Paul (a twenty year old barman) stood behind that bar wearing a grey jacket, white shirt (slightly off colour because it hadn't been washed well) a red tie (because he was a member of the local Labour Party committee) and shiny, black Clarkes shoes he bought on sale.

To:

Paul polished the inside of a smeared glass with a filthy rag and considered the accumulated grime on the shelf below the bar inside The Red Lion. He considered using his rag to dust the shelf, but shrugged and didn't bother. He supposed the chipped counter had seen better days — it was mahogany, after all — not not since before he was born twenty years ago. Returning the glass — almost clean — to the shelf, he snagged his frayed shirt cuff on a protruding nail and cursed. With a sigh, he tucked his cuff up inside his jacket sleeve so the rip wouldn't be so obvious.

See how you show a similar situation, but every detail is presented alongside an action, if you catch my drift. Showing takes up a lot more space than telling, but it also adds character to the place and the person as well as being more interesting to read than a list of attributes.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Yeah, loving the multi-dimentional Death and alternative history. Great ideas running throughout this story.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


You have a wonderfully original story with a fantastic voice and some beautiful similes, but maybe need to learn how to 'murder your darlings' in order to make your story faster paced and more engaging. Look into the differences between showing and telling a scene.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .