Hello Sherman Marshall!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

I like the intro hook, the passage of three hundred years that symbolises how long you feel you've known your love interest. A lot of the imagery is very powerful, and your language is clear. I love the natural flow of your five part structure of first love, loss, fear of new love, possible new love, regret of not embracing new love.

What I feel may need improvement.

Though 'believe I could fly' and 'cast a net around my heart' are both powerful images and great description, the problem is that they've frequently been used before Also, because they're on consecutive lines, you've got mixed metaphors. It's often better in a short poem to develop a specific theme, a central metaphor around which all the comparisons and descriptions are made. For example, here's one I wrote a while back about the end of relationships, for which I used the metaphor of a sinking ship: "When Relationships Sink…" . Also, with the second image, you use 'heart' twice, which sounds awkward. I mean, try to picture it as if it's literal rather than metaphorical, ie. this girl placed a dream inside your heart that created a net around your heart, one inside, the other outside, if you catch my drift.

Rather than wrap my life up in to women who barely filled the void - I couldn't fully understand this line because of the section I've underlined in the middle.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1873271 by Not Available.

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .