Hello paulakoala30!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


The fact that Severus is dead is a nice opening hook because it raises two obvious questions: 1) how come he's dead? 2) how come he's still active in the story?

However, the following paragraphs introduce a lot of other characters really quickly. When a reader begins reading your story, they're faced with a learning curve where they have to learn the setting, who the characters are and what the initial plot is. You make your initial curve a little too steep, imho.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


The characters you have are good because they're sympathetic and interesting, with obvious goals and interests. However, in my opinion you have too many for the opening chapter and are in danger of overwhelming your readers. Also, you tend to 'tell' rather than 'show' their personalities. More about this later.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


There's clear 'racial' tension bringing strong conflict into your story. Lots of interesting things are happening, like Severus' death and Claire's relationship with Jared.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


This is a little too fast paced, imho. You need to introduce the characters to your readers, gain the reader's sympathy for the characters so that they care what happens to them, and then show the plot as it unfolds rather than telling it like bullets from a machine gun.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Your narrative is clear, i understand what's happening as I read, and you don't have that many grammar mistakes that distract me. However, there's a rather big issue of 'telling' and not 'showing' your story.

You see, all the relationship between Claire and the boys and their family background is presented as an 'info dump' in the opening paragraphs where the reader isn't shown what these people are like through their actions and dialogue but insteaad told, informed at a distance, who their parents and relatives are, where they come from, their 'political' affiliations etc.

These days it's generally considered better style to 'show' your story. That means that you'd have to, for example, have a conversation between Claire and Jared that shows their relationship with one another and hints at the conflct this causes. For example, you might have a conversation like:

"Hey, Claire," said Jared. "Why do you look so upset?" He brushed her hair away from her eyes, then frowned. "You've been crying."

She sniffed and glanced away. "It's my Mom."

"What's happened?"

"She wrote me a letter. Somebody told her about you and me. She's furious."

He clenched his fists. "You mean because I'm a wizard and not a warlock like your father?"

"You know how traditional my family are. They're nothing like your folks."

"Biggoted, you mean."

Can you see how this conversation shows their relationship through their words and actions rather than 'telling' the reader that they're a couple but her parents don't agree?

Here are a few more specific notes:


The high flames the filled the open room was really the only light source to be found - 'that filled' 'were really' - I suggest you proof read aloud before posting. I don't think that you don't know how to write this sentence correctly, these are simply typos you missed and might catch if you run through your work a little more carefully.

Claire took Jared just outside the school to what appeared to be a run down hotel that hadn't been used for what looked like centuries. - Here's an example of a very 'told' piece of information. Here's an example of how you could 'show' the same details:

Claire led Jared out the school main gate into town. Near the main square, she gestured toward a four story timber-frame structure with peeling paint and several boarded up windows.

"The Angel Hotel?" he asked. "Isn't it a bit downmarket for your family?"

She shrugged. "The Abshires have patronised The Angel for centuries."

"Really?" He took in the cracked windows and cobwebs over the door. "Doesn't look like anybody's stayed here in centuries."

Showing takes up a lot more room than telling, but it's more engaging for the reader because they can visualise the scene better. If you say 'run down' and 'looks like it hadn't been used' that's very abstract, but if you say 'boarded up windows' 'cobwebs over the door' that's kinda concrete and something they can visualise. Aim to move from the abstract to the concrete in narrative when editing.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


The actual settings are interesting, but as I said under narration, you're being a little too abstract with your descriptions and not really immersing the reader in the moment with specific details and sensory information, like sneezing in the hotel because of the dust, finding the bedsheets are damp, inhaling the musty stench of the long un-aired room etc etc.

in a small town in San Salvador, Russia. - why would there be a place in Russia with a Spanish name?

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


The themes of race relations and right wing political deevelopment is very timely and interesting. Great stuff.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Your core plot, premise and characters are fine, and you can make a good story out of this. However, you need to learn how to pace the narrative, make it more concrete, and show rather than tell the story.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .