Hello Poeros!

Since you introduced yourself on the Newbie page, I thought I'd take a glance at your stuff.

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


The way you describe the house as ordinary in the opening sentence was a nice hook because it made it obvious it wasn't. I liked the other details that emerged in the following sentences. However, I didn't feel you needed the final sentence "Those sort of indicators show that it isn't the same modern home as the rest." I mean, you'd already shown this with your description, so telling it seems rather redundant.

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Kathy was great she seemed very real and I liked her a lot. Through the many photos and her dialogue, you do a great job of showing who she is and sketching her life before she came to the hospice and now as she's ill and preparing for death.

Not sure about the protagonist, though. His ability to see 'the reaper' suggests he's not human, but there's nothing else you show to further illuminate me. I've no idea if he's human or a monster who resembles a human. He has no name, though the nurse lets him in at the start and out at the end, she never addresses him by name, though she must know it if she's invited him inside in the first place. I get that he eats human flesh, but not if he does that because he's a Hanibal Lechter style cannibal or some kind of creature.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


I like the core element of the plot, that he eats people, but would like to know more about his reasons, and perhaps have some conflict, like he doesn't like doing it, but he must, kinda thing, if you catch my drift. I'm also not sure about your 'reapers'. If he's crazy, and the reapers are a sign of this, make it more clear to the reader somehow. However, if they're real and he's an alien or something, make this clearer. To be honest, I don't think you need the reapers at all unless they add to one plot or the other. They're quite a distraction. When the first appeared, I assumed it was going to be a core part of the story. As it wasn't, it was just an unnecessary distraction.


Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


I found this well paced, beginning with a nice hook and running smoothly throughout.3

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


The story is generally clear, but there are odd missing words everywhere. I feel you need to read through slowly and make sure that every sentence makes perfect sense. Too many of them were missing key words that made them read really strange to me.

A few notes:

A predator moves among the human's, but this one is welcomed in it's hunt. - Try to ensure that your brief description is error free. When people first see your work on WDC, the brief description is what they'll read to decide if they want to read your story or not. human's -> humans, because you don't need an apostrophe for plural. it's -> its because possessive pronouns don't need an apostrophe.

A shape drifted in the corner of my eye and I turned to look the reaper. - look at the reaper

Her body would wash up on the beach in a few days, what remains there were to be hand. - to be had, or, to hand.

With no visitors in two years, there wouldn’t one - wouldn't be one. = there were actually a lot of missing words like this, but I've only pointed out a small sample for illustration.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


I liked your settings a lot. You had the feel and smells of a hospice. Very nice. You might like to lose the reapers if they serve no purpose. If you're going to keep them, then you need more description of them. There's nothing to say what they actually look like to the protagonist.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


The theme of the vulnerable and elderly abandoned to their fate by society is fantastic.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


The core story is fantastic. However, you need to make it clearer who and what the protagonist is and work on narrative to ensure it's more error free, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1873271 by Not Available.

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .