Hello paulakoala30!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

Your poem has emotions that many can emphathise with and follows a natural flow from a state of chaoe when your life feels a mess to one of order when you feel life is all fluffy bunnies and you're 'able to breathe again'. I like the contrast between the pained, last breath in the beginning to the 'breathe again' expression of freedom at the end.

What I feel may need improvement.

Hundreds of people laughing at others despair - missing possessive apostrophe on others'

Your poem natrually falls into four stanzas, imho, in the following fashion:

A world full of madness
Violence, corruption, betrayal
Hundreds of people living in sin
A life of lies
Fear is all I can feel
Day to day my last breath slowly escapes me
Desperately gasping I try holding onto to something so real yet so far away

A world full of pain
Broken hearted, beaten, depressed
Hundreds of people laughing at others despair
A life of misfortune
Pain is all I can feel

Night after night I take comfort in the stars
My thoughts are full of you
For but a moment my life is real
The fear is gone, pain subsided

A world of belonging
One boy, one girl
In a world full of love
Happiness is all I can feel
Day and night I close my eyes
Finally being able to breathe again

I'd say that for me, though others may disagree, separating out the four sections with a line break would ease the reader's comprehension of the flow of the poem, because this would give each stanza a distinct theme: 1) fear of a chaotic world; 2) pain of a chaotic world; 3) a natural turn in the poem where a benevolent external influence appears; and, 4) the effect of the benevolent other upon your life.

I'd further say that the section "Day to day my last breath slowly escapes me / Desperately gasping I try holding onto to something so real yet so far away" might work better if attached to the beginning of the third 'theme'/stanza, so that you have "Day to day" only two lines above "Night after night" which will strengthen the echo, and the feeling of desparation expressed there surely encompasses both the fear of the first section and the mental pain of the second?

However, I must appologise because it begins to look as though I'm re-writing your poem, which I don't want to do. I only wish to point out how, for me, the natural flow of your poem might be better emphasised for readers than it currently is, and that I feel maybe you could rethink some of the order.

Conclusion.

I feel this is a wonderfully imaginative, emotional and nicely flowing poem, but could be structured just a littel better, maybe. The trouble, for me, with this kind of poem is that it's very much a product of the individual, a unique production, so for outsiders like me it's not really that easy to make suggestions or to criticise what you've written because it's a very subejective and personal art.

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1873271 by Not Available.

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .