Hello karlben!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your story.

What I liked.

Nice use of colour for impact and great premise. Very imaginative.

What I feel may need improvement.

You might like to look at slowing down your narrative a bit and separating stuff out into paragraphs and smaller sentences by theme. At the moment, you've got the whole story of creation in one paragraph, and several sentences step over two subjects, eg. the sentence "They made this promise since Mother Earth was born and was ready for the formation of billions of beautiful life forms to inhabit her that were also created by their ultimate wizard creator's heart" contains three distinct and vast ideas about creation: 1) that there was a 'promise' made by the wizards, 2) that Earth was formed ready for animals to populate, and 3) these animals/creatures were created by the same wizard who created the plannet. With such wide sweeping statements and concepts, you need a bit more space and detail to explore the idea, imho.

Also, think about the natural, chronological flow of your story. In Genesis, the story begins from 'in the beginning' and then goes through the verious elements of creation over a seven day period in order. In your story, you begin with 'the beginning' but then flip to the 'blue sapphire wizards' but then flip back to the earlier 'Mother Earth was born' and then 'billions of beautiful lifeforms' (presumably after the sapphire wizards). You basically have a ping-pong where you go back and forward, back and forward. Try to simply start at the beginning and then work forward slowly, step by step, in order of creation.

and came from the heaven's to serve as guardian's and protectors, - when you have a plural noun, like heavens or guardians and later kingdoms, you do NOT need a possessive apostrophe. With "nature's kingdoms", you need a possessive 's on nature's.

The Watchers mentioned at the end came out of nowhere. If they're similar to the wizards then surely they were created at the same time as the wizard and Adam and Eve in your universe and so should be introduced at that stage rather than casually mentioned at the end as if they've always been there.

Conclusion.

You have an interesting Creation Story, but personally I feel it would be better if chronological and spread out, with more detail offered for each event within the process of creation.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Invalid Item" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

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Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .