Hello DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


The fact that it's a trial is a great opening hook. However, I'd completely forgotten who Adrian was (he hasn't appeared much and the last time was a while back) and that distracted me a lot. Maybe remind the reader within the opening sentence who he is.

Characters — are they well rounded?


It's good to see the real Hassorev in this chapter. He's all nasty and proud of it, which is great.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


I like that he got away with his crime. I also like that he's been nasty to Derek and now wants to get revenge on Jake for killing his friend. However, I felt the trial didn't really have enough conflict. I mean, it was made pretty obvious from the beginning he'd get off, and within Hassorev's viewpoint he never had anything to worry about. To make it more engaging, Hassorev should fear that he might be found guilty, and he should have fear of real punishment if he's found to have committed treason. Conflict drives a story, but this was simply a smooth ride for him here. Make him suffer a bit and fret over whether he'll get away from it. He should survive only by the skin of his teeth.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Much too fast, sorry. It wasn't a trial, it was an introduction of the defendent followed by a goodbye. You need a bit more fancy procedure and people wearing wigs kind of stuff. Usually, this kind of group is shown as following really old traditions, but these guys don't seem to have any sense of tradition at all, lol.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Generally, your narrative has improved a lot and it's much clearer and flows much better. However, a lot of silly mistakes have crept into this chapter somehow. I suspect you haven't proof read it.

Notes:

Adrian turned on the lights as the committee stepped into the square room. - this is a fussy point, but I'll raise it and leave you to think about it. There's a notion that narrative reads smoother and promotes better suspension of disbelief if the narrative flow is strictly chronological within a scene, even down to sentence level, so cause is always before effect etc. Here, a strictly chronological sentence would read: As the committee stepped into the square room, Adrian turned on the lights. - can you see what I'm getting at?

The wooden bench’s polished panels gleamed as a weak sunbeam shone through an open round window - it's unlikely they'd be gleaming if the sunbeams were weak, so go one way or the other. Eiher the sunbeams are weak or the panels are gleaming in the sunshine.

leaving the safety of this camp and venture into vampire territory? - venturing

Why are you being so mean,” he wailed. - question mark missing

As for this thing, did he ever think someone as pure as me could fall for someone like him. - missing question mark

“Hey, larder boy are you crying,” he laughed - missing question mark, and He laughed is a new sentence.

“You’re not pure,” Derek whispered - Hassorev never said 'I'm pure' out loud. It was only in his thoughts. He's never said anything about being pure either to Derek or anybody else before this explosive chapter. So, here, it's really weird for Derek to say this. It comes from nowhere. If Hassorev had said outloud that he couldn't have had feelings for Derek because he was pure, it would make more sense.

he’d grown up with Gregorio. The vampire was like a brother. He felt a knife go through his heart and a tear trickled down his face as his throat tightened. He wiped it away with the back of his hand. He sniffed, p - even in an emotional moment, this is too many sentences beginning 'he', imho.

and not your untouchable girlfriend or your father will be able to stop me. - neither nor

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


It's great to see a lot more sensory information and description in this chapter. Try to focus a bit on some detail, like maybe a coat of arms you can describe over the judge's chair or something like that which will serve as a 'respresentative sample' from which the reader can extrapolate the look of the rest of the room. Make sure, also, that your setting is consistent. I mean, weak sunbeams don't make polished wood gleam, and posh pannelled rooms aren't usually pine. They're more often oak, maple or even mahogany if it's really posh.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Great plot development, but you really need to work on developing the scene and especially the conflict in this chapter. It needs to be a longer trial with more conflict, imho.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .