Hello DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


A neat summary from the end of the last chapter plus good opening conflict. Very nice.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Yes, Derek is just as stupid as Jason, though perhaps a little more lucky. His motivations are logical if stupid.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


He's decided to run off, in the opposite direction as Jason, but met a similar fate, which ends on a bit of a cliffhanger since we don't know what'll happen to Derek next.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


A little too fast paced for me. I feel you could have him stumbling around the woods a little, think he's been followed but not sure, build up the tension, make the threat towards the end feel more real. I mean, from the moment Derek first meets the werewolves, it seems pretty clear they're not going to eat first and ask questions later. Asking lots of questions and then threatening him doesn't really work. The threats should come first and then the questions should be a relief, if you catch my drift.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Generally clear and easy to follow. A few notes, though:

The look of contempt on Hassorev's face flashed before Derek's eyes and his cheeks started to burn. - beware the 'started to' construction. It adds little to meaning and makes the sentence less active. Essentially, they're stall words.

"Apparently he loves humans as much as general Wolfhounds son does." - possessive apostrophe on Wolfhound's

"Derek," he stammered. - instead of using a tag like this, just forget the tag and write: "D-D-Derek." - this shows his stutter better and without telling.

if it means I've saved my life, I hate them to. - too

A human that can bring food to us and mingle with our enemy's might be - enemies

Derek gulped and started to tremble. - again, 'started to' is a stall.

"he doesn't look like he will be able to keep up with a snail let along us." - alone - "he doesn't look like he could keep up with a snail, let alone us."

Derek turned white and blinked in quick concession. - succession. - also, the 'turned white' isn't really in Derek's viewpoint, if you want your narrative to be close third person limited pov.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


You really need to work on making the werewolf woods different to the vampire woods or the 'pire camp. Your settings lack a unique nature that sets them apart from one another. It's not enough just to say he's walking/running through 'woods'. They need to be somehow sketched in the reader's mind. You need to work on that. Sensory information, however, is good in this chapter.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


I really liked the character and plot development in this chapter, but you really must work on settings, I feel.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .