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When A Buffalo Falls
by KZN

Chapter 15

First, a note about one of the last lines from Chapter 14:
You wrote:
>>> It took him all of a half-hour to reach the top.
But from what I read, Hunter has not reached 'the top'. He is still on the cliff face maybe 3/5ths of the way up. The clue is the Juniper tree, which was above him, then below him now. He has traveled at an angle toward the south moving above the tree. I'm not sure about the terrain---sheer rock face with tiny trail or a very steep, crumbling slope that is traversed with both hands and feet?
So maybe the Ch-14 line should read: It took him all of a half-hour to reach the next natural ledge, which would still suggest a rock face to traverse. (?)

>>> From his position on the ledge,
See, that's where he is.

>>> Suddenly he felt the dreaded flinch of his body and the pinch in his chest as his fear returned.
I think what you are describing is a panic attack. He has a true fear of heights.

Next thought: Is he above the shadow of the west canyon and now in the light of the setting sun? That would distort his vision as well.

>>> Hunter sprang from the ledge and raced on unsteady legs toward the tree,
This is a good place for the steep, crumbly slope. (?) I've been on these on food (slipping) and horseback. All very dangerous. Needs a motivation here. What if he can see a rock ridge that leads up past the tree, and could be a better way to the top. Worth the rick of the crumbly slope. (?)

>>> He hadn’t covered more than a few yards when a sharp pain ripped through his right shoulder, followed simultaneously by a thudding sound as a bullet forced him forward,
Close above the tree or it doesn't work. Plus I think you have to reverse this and have the thudding sound and forward thrust BEFORE the sharp pain. The bullet response happens incredibly fast before any pain is felt. The pain and the falling would merge into something awful. His focus is to reach the better safety by or above the tree. The bullet impact is a TOTAL surprise & shock. Give Hunter more concentration on his balance and footing as he starts across the space to the tree so the bullet is a complete and unexpected change. I'd say don't mention the figure above so the surprise is absolute.

>>> ...he lost his balance tumbling head long into the rocks.
At this point it is important that he is above the tree and near enough to be in line for the soon-to-happen catch.

>>> The pounding in his head numbed his brain, and he rolled without control against the rocks blinded from the pain.
A better order is action before reaction:
He rolled without control against the rocks. Blinded from pain, the pounding in his head numbed his brain.

>>> ...and he seemed to hang in the sill air for just a time.
...'just a time' feels too generic. What about something like: hang in the still air for what felt like eternity.
(Then the order of events: shorter, tighter, think split seconds.)
>>> He opened his eyes wide. "God!" he shouted. Dropping like a stone, he twisted his body violently hoping for something to grab hold of. The air rushing past his face brought tears, blurring his sight.
I would cut, Realizing his fate... There is not time for thinking, it's all survival reflex during these few seconds.

>>> Hunter tightened his squeeze and finally, he came to a stop...
Add the physical pain:
Hunter tightened his squeeze and finally with excruciating pain, he came to a stop bobbing...

>>> Katie stood in the open, the short Winchester, single-shot, carbine pressed against her shoulder.
This is a surprise and a great plot development. I immediately thought I hope she hit the shooter.

>>> ...then folding like a little ball she dropped to the floor.
I still hope her second shot hit the shooter.
The problems deepen.

>>> ...then reaching above his head he took hold of a higher branch and pulled himself up in among the leaves of the tree.
The pain in the gun-shot-shoulder makes it almost impossible to hang on.
Must use his good arm for any strength. Also blood dripping. Also remember that Juniper trees are kind of prickly and have needles not leaves. The bark is very rough.

>>> The rain came now, just small drops on the Wind.
No capital on 'wind'.
Very much like the storm description.

>>> When Hunter reached the first level...
I think you need a couple sentences of his climbing to the top ridge. Maybe using only one hand and arm. Almost dream-like because he has to be in shock. You can't just say, when Hunter reached...Not fair, gotta show it!

FINAL COMMENT: Very powerful sequence with great feeling of the environment and the physical action. Mervyn, I'll always nudge you to do a little more, but your writing is a pleasure to work with. You know these two chapters could be combined into one because the action is continuous.
Great work, my friend!
Best, Gale



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