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When A Buffalo Falls
by KZN

Chapter 16

Here we go with Hunter still trying to get to the top of the canyon rim.

>>> The clouds slid over the roof resembling a thick furry blanket,
I think 'roof' confuses the image since it applies to something we are usually under, then how can clouds go over? Change to 'sky' and it's perfect.

>>> Hunter looked up at the rumbling belly and adjusted...
(Then you have in the next paragraph:)
>>> Her belly still rumbles with the hardened heart of a buffalo,...
I think the two phrases with 'belly' are too similar and draw attention to the word. I really like the second phrase. Can you change the first to something different? Like 'rain-laden clouds? Plus I like the buffalo reference being close to the title of this book.

>>> ...now free from his fear of heights; the mist blocking his sight of the canyon floor.
He still has the fear, he just can't see the distance down at the moment.
>>> now with his fear of heights eased by the mist blocking his sight of the canyon floor.

>>> He moved quickly, his steps short and gaited on the narrow ledge, his eyes strained through the sheets of falling rain, surveying the wall that rose beside him. He found a spot and climbed slowly. The rocks now wet and slippery making his ascent difficult and the water that spewed over the crest above him, mixing with the sand and grit as it tumbled, clouded his eyes.
Too many comma and 'and' connected phrases. Break it down into shorter sentences, which will make it easier to read. Note that 'clouded his eyes' is hanging out at the end. (His eyes were clouded by...) (The water mixed with...)

>>> Eventually, as Hunter rolled onto the ledge a crash of thunder broke above his head followed close by lighting, forked now, fused in colors of burnt yellow and orange, as thick as a man's leg, and he felt the rumble of its might pass through the earth beneath his belly.
Again, long connected phrases...break them up and simplify with less words.
A crash of thunder broke as Hunter rolled onto the ledge. Forked lightening fused in colors of burnt yellow and orange as thick as a man's leg. He felt the mighty rumble pass through the earth beneath his body.

>>> ...long-spread-golden-fingers melting unhurriedly in the damp mist...
All of this is beautiful imagery.

>>> He thought he should return to her, to protect her body from the elements and...
Can you change this to: He wondered if he should...
So you don't repeat the word, 'thought', which works better in the next sentence.

>>> ...oozed from the slits,...
I think better to say, ...oozed from the cuts,... slits make a funny image.

>>> ...and popped out his head.
...and popped up his head. (?)

>>> The shooter stood fifty yards away with his back to Hunter,
Add just a lttle more to the image:
The short, dark figure of the shooter stood...

>>> The bullet whizzed past him striking the top of the crevice and bounced away with a sharp zinging sound.
(Cut the 'and')
The bullet whizzed past him striking the top of the crevice, bouncing away with a sharp zinging sound.

>>> Hunter dropped to the floor beside his two Remington’s and at once reached for them.
(One Action, no floors up here.)
Hunter dropped to the ground reaching for his Remington’s.

>>> His fingers touched the cold steel of one Remington, but before he could curl them around the barrel, the figure loomed over him.
Two major actions need separation. Plus he has to look up to see the figure.
>>> His fingers slid over cold steel as Hunter looked up to see the figure looming over him before he could curl them around the trigger.

(Then the reaction...)

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Bitch!” he said in a loud voice. “A woman shouldn't be going around killing folk!"

FINAL COMMENT: God-amighty! I didn't see that coming! Great plot surprise.
I immediately thought about the woman who owns the ranch that was so rude and tough. Beautiful words about the storm and how it blows out. Don't forget about Hunter's bullet wound his one arm-shoulder will not function very well.
As I showed you, some of the action tends to get a little wordy. Long, connected phrases are better separated when action is involved. Still, all the content is there and moves right along with Hunter. I'm going to move ahead to the next chapter. Mervyn you are writing up a storm! Oh, Ha! It is a storm.
Best, Gale



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