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When A Buffalo Falls
by KZN

Chapter 17

First, let me say that this chapter is very well-written, so I don't have much constructive to say about it, other than praise.

>>> Hunter watched her closely. (whole paragraph)
Excellent description of this woman. I could picture her totally.

>>> Then he opened his mouth and roared, the full might of his lungs blowing,
Good contrast between her control and Hunter's exploding anger.

>>> “I do what I'm told, mister and more if I feel like it.”
(whole paragraph) I really like the merging of dialogue with character description and action. Well put together! The character is nicely developed.

>>> Thinking back over his long dusty trail
(whole paragraph) Hunter's analysis of her is great. We know exactly what kind of person this is.

>>> Hunter knew there would come a moment when he would have to hit her...
His confidence is amazing. I know he's capable. Now I really want to know how he's going to get out of this.

I'm also impressed with your punctuation of all the dialogue.

>>> Hunter probed her casually and tossed his weapons at her feet.
Because she's going to say, 'one good arm' later, your should add that he has to pick up the pistols with one hand, and it's awkward. That helps tension as he seems more helpless.

>>> Hunter did what she asked,
Again add the dysfunction of the one arm and the pain of reaching down to tie the strap around his ankles.

>>> ...and when he looked up again there was loath and hatred in his eyes. "
Phrase is passive.
He looked up with loath and hatred in his eyes.

>>> ...fluttering her fingers as her hand came to rest over her groin. "If I do, then you won't be getting any of this."
Rounds out her character as rude and crude. Plus great action.

>>> and he raised both hands out front of his chest.
Change that:
...and he raised his two bound hands out front of his chest. I do wonder why his hands are not behind his back?

FINAL COMMENT: A really slimy-good character you have created! A villain, but definitely not a slick or cool one. The dialogue is sharp and moved me right through it. Mervyn, with this level of writing, you are going to have to go back to the early chapters and work this kind of character magic. I'm really proud of you!
Looking forward to more... Oh and I have this hope that Katie is not dead.
Best, Gale



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .