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Well, as always, nice pic!

I do like the effect of jumping over the bits that happened between the previous chapter and this one. With many others, I'd cringe a bit because it almost always means that the narration is gonna be here for a minute, and then backtrack to cover everything that was skipped. (And I figgin' hate that.) Dude, you pushed me ahead in the story! Keep me there! If you make me go back, it makes me feel like you slapped me down when I was trying to progress. And the thing is, there's often even enough in the jump ahead that you don't need to go back. And even if there's not enough, I highly recommend revising so that you need to go back and cut the damn backtracking!

/rant.

But anyway, you know you don't do that, but I had to go into all that so you could fully appreciate how much I fully appreciate your approach. The effect is really great for this particular story and chapters. Well done! And as a bonus, it's just fun!


“YO, COPS!” called the dealer from his room.
         No lie, I laughed out loud, especially after the setup of Gillian making coffee with his coffeemaker.

“Yeah, and started doodling on him from his waist down.
         Hmm, I dunno about that word choice, “doodling.” As a euphemism, it gives me no idea of what she did with that knife. I mean, I assume nothing too bad, because he's being so loud and robust now, but the context still leaves the meaning of “doodling” wide open. “Doodling” is often used as a euphemism—for all kinds of stuff—and context generally pins down the meaning, you know? I'm just saying, that's not happening here.

On their way out, Gillian showed up at the bedroom’s door
         The “showed up” doesn't really mesh—on top of that, it's a near POV weirdness. You could go real simple and used “stopped” instead. That'd work seamlessly with the rest.

and stopped to cover her eyes, faking to be shocked.
         But then you used “stopped” here! That's okay, 'cause it's easily eliminated: and covered her eyes
         And then we gotta pick on the last four words. Either: pretending to be shocked.
         Or: faking shock. (Though I'm not 100% certain this one is structurally sound.)
         Or: feigning shock. (Why “feigning” is fine and I'm not sure about “faking” is anyone's guess; I just know this one sounds “right” while “faking” sounds a little off. Go, me! )
         Enough of the techno-babble! I gotta say, I love the image, and the mockery here!

and slammed the door shut, snarling, “Ma’am!”
          Nice going, Young!

while Young’s voice came muffled from behind the closed door.
         I think you can get away with this wording. Maybe. It just sounds a little off to me, but I don't know if that's because I'm getting used to your writing again, or because I'm not used enough to it yet. Anyway, a little move flows better, but changes the meaning slightly, I think: Young's muffled voice came from behind the closed door.
         A more extensive rewording keeps the same meaning—at least in my opinion: while the closed door muffled Young's voice.
         Nice parting imagery, in any case.

She walked into the bakery and waved at Betty.
         Right here, I'd mention the phone. As is, I think Russell's walking with her, so the line after this paragraph that mentions he's on the phone threw me and destroyed my mind movie. But if you just find a way to mention the phone she's holding, here, I think all will be well.

we tricked him enough to expose himself
         This sounds like this means that they tricked him multiples times, but the wording's not quite right for that, either. And I don't think that's what you mean. I think you mean they: tricked him into exposing
         If I'm wrong, well, you know where to find me.

Brown had no choice but to accept we were right.”
         Missing a word: accept that we were right.”

“Go figure. That was Cooper’s assistant
         I don't think “Go figure” is really what he means here, but I'm not sure what to suggest. I get that Reg is getting onto him (in a friendly way) for being a player, but I'm not sure what he's hoping to convey before letting her know it's Cooper's assistant. (Hey, I remember her!)

Before she could keep it back,
         That “keep” should be “put”
         And of course they pounced when they saw that smile!

congratulated herself for not inviting Russell over for that very night.
         ”for that very night” reads awkwardly. We've talked about this kind of thing before, so I think I understand what you're going for? You want to highlight the immediacy, am I right? I don't know; I'm thinking it's gonna take rewording the whole thing, maybe devoting another sentence to it? Or...
         Okay, look, I'ma show what I would do, just to give you an idea/jumping-off-point/something to slap down. Here: It was Taylor's, of course. Gillian had almost asked Russell to come over tonight. She congratulated herself now for forgetting.
         You know, you could play with it more by having her about to ask Russell over for that night when she's on the phone with him at the beginning of the chapter, but having the conversation + the bag distract her, and then maybe resolving to ask him later. You play with all that, you can come up with all kinds of stuff.


You know, I think the reason I didn't think of Russell in that line in my other review (about her partner leaving) is because it'd been a while since I'd really “seen” him, because of the way I was reviewing and such. So now I'm more convinced than ever that it was a brain fart on my part.

For everything else, I believe I got it out already. Bring on the further discussion, and I'll get out of here before this review is more than twice as long as the piece being reviewed! (Ah, I kid; you know I'd do a review five times as long as the piece being reviewed if I thought that was what needed doing.)

Chy

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .