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Well, guess what? I realized this morning that I had this whole week off. Turns out, my work has a 'spring break.' I had thought my boss was talking about spring break for schools in her area. Nope, she was talking about the company's spring break.

So. Let's finish off the blank tonight and tomorrow.

Aw, you know the picture's great. Let's get into the chapter.


Gillian had planned carefully her speech to scold Russell.
         Word order: had carefully planned
         Also, though, the “her speech to scold” is a bit...rickety? There's just something “off” about it. Maybe it's because reading it gives me the thought that there's just gotta be a word that means “a speech that scolds.” And there is one! “Lecture.” In the context you have going, it wouldn't mean what a professor gives in class, but a scolding speech. Gillian had carefully planned her lecture for Russell. What do ya think?

“I’m still bouncing all over the country, Reg,” he said, as to wrap up his answer.
         Either: said, as if to wrap up
         Or: said, to wrap up his answer
         Subtle difference in tone, depending on which you choose.
         Also, nice excuse-making, Russell!

“And it’s just not fair for her
         Should be: not fair to her
         Dude, I know I've told you before, but I know this guy. Loveable, but still a player. But you know that's how I feel about all your characters—I know all of them! It's such a great feeling.

Al has no problem at all with you not being always around.
         Word order: with you not always being around.
         I'm really enjoying this exchange, both for the sake of the characters, and for my own player friends.

So your conscious can be at ease about you running
         That “conscious” should be “conscience”
         And the “about” should be “with”
         Otherwise, still enjoying reading Reg peg him so hard.

And don’t dare lecture me about committing
         See! He knows what she's doing—lecturing. Hmm. Maybe that's why you were trying to use a different wording in the second sentence of the chapter? I think they're far enough apart and apt enough that it won't come across as repetitious.

you haven’t been in a relationship ever since you got the divorce.
         That “ever” needs deleting.
         And while we're here, I'll tell you that you don't need “you got.” I mean, you can keep it if you want, but I'm just letting you know you don't have to have it.

You’re an inveterate loner,
         Oooh, coool word!

‘Cause you’re afraid to death of getting
         Should be: scared to death
         (Using “afraid” instead makes it a sort of comical misuse and I don't believe you want that right here. )

“You mean the exercise.”
          Nice zinger, Russell!

Talk about something she’d taken many
         To flow with the previous sentence, that “Talk” should be “Talking” but if you weren't going for that kind of flow, I'd reword this sentence because it reads as if you mean to flow with that previous sentence.

out, and never commented with anybody at all.
         That wording isn't working. “Commented” isn't the right form, but it isn't the right word either. What about: and had never shared with anybody at all.
         That's all I got for now; that popped into my head, clicked, and made room for nothing else.

and relate to so many times.
         Either add a word or delete one, depending on what you're going for.
         Either: and relate to them so many times.
         Or: and relate so many times.

So it’s just not fair for any of you,
         Wording thing: not fair to either of you,


Okay, stand back, I actually do have a general complaint for this chapter. They talk on the phone so much, that I thought this was a phone conversation until she was “looking away from him” just before saying they're passers-by. And that threw me, hard, out of the story. So I'm voting for a hint or two at the beginning that they're in her kitchen (which I didn't find out until almost the end of the chapter here.)

Hey, and I just noticed you have “all of a sudden” in this chapter—and I only noticed it because I was looking for the sentence when it'd hit me like a tone of bricks that this wasn't a phone conversation. And I went “Ha! There's one! And I didn't even notice!” So, see? Proof that it works fine sometimes. Just depends on the how and where it's used I suppose (oh, like everything else, am I right?)

Anyway, I remember how great it was to have this revelation put into words the first time I read, and it's still enjoyable to go on this ride this time through. I especially like that it's something she's been introspective about, that she's studied about herself, and is now sharing with her best friend (and us!)

Good stuff, and nicely done.

Chy

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