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The Three Sages (Part 1)

by TristenKozinski

REVIEW PART-2

Tristen... Here we go with a second part of the review, happily with new formating and italics. It looks wonderful.

>>> and the odd one bore a native, most of this latter group having retreated to the outer edges.
...'a native' doesn't imply a group. Try: ,,,bore a native, most of which had retreated...

>>> ...share it with likeminded individuals,
That has to be like-minded with a hyphen.

>>> ...a curvy woman with large chameleon eyes,
Just a note about chameleons. The lizards change color to suit their environment. But I would think a human would change her eye color depending on the intention of her questions. Perhaps from cool colors for casual chatting, and the hot colors for intense, probing questions, the colors connected to her ego. (?) The random changes feel arbitrary and not part of her unpleasant character.

>>> ...you are not someone known their perception and even if you were,
Missing a word here. How about: ...known 'by' their perception...
Then I think you need a comma after 'perception'.

>>> ...ill-tempered...um...hooligan is rather irritating.'
Needs a comma after 'hooligan'.

>>> ...first to settle a formality with the sages and then yes, to visit my family."
If you have a comma after 'yes', you have to have a comma after 'sages' to complete the insert phrase. Read it out loud.

>>> Charles gave a silent tsk and a shake of his head.
Charles gave a silent tsk and shook his head.

>>> 'Ah hell, we should have discussed this before arriving. We both gave vague answers and now she thinks we're hiding something...at least I think she's hiding -wait no, I think she thinks we're hiding or ...err...something like that.'
Errant apostrophes at beginning and end of paragraph.
I realized you still have apostrophes on ALL the internal dialogue paragraphs. Delete all of them. The italics totally mark the internal dialogue.


>>> "So, tell me, Chuck,
I laughed.

>>> ...your feeble abilities than Charles will do."
...your feeble abilities 'then' Charles will do."

>>> ...furthermore if you continue to do so-"Charles rose up beside him, wrapped an arm about his shoulders and pressed downward, dunking the smaller man.
Dash is a double hyphen--
Start new paragraph with: "Charles rose up beside him,...
Different character action.

>>> ...a new tension had slipped into the woman's aura,
This is a reallty good place to show a change of eye color. (?)

>>> The woman laughed, her eyes blooming cinnamon.
Like this, works perfectly.

>>> ...her eyes flashing egg yolk yellow.
Eww...great image!

>>> Rudolf's brows lowered and he rose once again, but this time Charles anticipated him. Before the other man's brow even darkened, Charles disengaged from the woman and stood with a somehow lazy air. He caught Rudolf as the man rose, wrapping a graceful arm around his shoulders and then dragging him backward.

This becomes confusing and a bit over-written. Note that the 'brows' lower and then before they 'darkened'. And very first you have: 'rose once again,' then later 'as the man rose'. I think he should be noticed, start to rise once and then be caught and steered, in chronological order.

>>> The arrogant one we dumped in a pi-"
Use double hyphen for a dash--

>>> '...mostly.'
I laughed.

>>> 'I'll I run back in my underwear tomorrow.'
Extra 'i' after I'll.

>>> "Surely there must be someth- Charles Dillinger Mc'Clain,
Use double hyphen for a dash--

.>>> ..who even now belabors a young-"
Use double hyphen for a dash--

>>> Stepping outside, Charles grinned back at him. "I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."
Wraps the story up very nicely.

FINAL COMMENT: Charles would not punch someone, but absolutely would take her bathrobe--true to character. The two characters are very clear and the contrast makes the humor. Never lose sight of the size difference, that image is often amusing all by itself. The reformatting makes all the difference. The narration stays almost all the time as direct character action so it all hangs together and is easy to follow. The annoying woman is another well-defined character. I loved it when she called them Rudy and Chuck. Be sure to get those apostrophes off the italic paragraphs. Very enjoyable story. Best of luck with it!
Gale

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .