Hello, graceredd

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


It's interesting that it's a Tarot reading, and Rosa is a cool character. However, it felt like it took too long to get past the descriptions of her and the setting before we reached any actual story. Plus, the setting is a bit confusing. It's described as a "living room" and yet it's clear that this is somehow Rosa's profession. The other guys are outside a swinging door. What kind of living room has a swinging door? Plus, they leave before it's their turn. That's all kinda weird. I mean, does she have a "waiting room" insider her house for people who want a reading? And the way the house is described doesn't make it sound shabby, so the question arises as to how she can afford such a 19th century house when she is apparently only around 18/19 (he describes her as a girl, and he's 20 at most) and only does Tarot readings?

Characters — are they well rounded?


Bo/Jude's past gets talked about a lot, and we're inside his head, so we get to know a little about how he feels. I mean, we know he isn't gay. But, except that he loves literature, we don't really get to know much more about him. We don't know if he has hobbies, if he has done any voluntary work etc etc.

I'm quite confused about Rosa as a character. Usually, people go to Tarot card readers who are much older and theoretically wiser than themselves. For a girl as young as she's described to do this and be successful seems a little strange. But, I'm not into this kind of stuff, and maybe you are, so perhaps I'm completely wrong.

but I wondered perhaps if it had any correlation to my leaving for university in two weeks time. - up until this line, I had thought "Bo" was much younger. There was no solid indication of his age. You might like to hint at imminent university in the first few paragraphs in order to establish his age as soon as possible.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


Well, the Tarot reading is interesting, and the fact he's going to go on a journey and meet a cute girl is a plus. But, I didn't feel any real CONFLICT. I mean, I get what "Bo/Jude" wants. He wants a girl to love who will love him back. However, it didn't seem enough. I mean, what teenage boy who is straight doesn't want a girl? That's kinda cliche.

The overall set up you have is a standard introduction to the Hero's Journey fantasy trope, ie. a young man of mysterious birth finds a mentor, gets a call to action, goes on a journey and fights the bad guy. Nothing so far has been really outside of the standard.

It's not a great idea to end your first chapter with the protagonist falling asleep and apparently happy. Plus, he'll catch a cold because he's come in wet through and doesn't appear to have taken a shower and dried his hair etc etc. But, seriously, it's much better if you can end it with conflict/huge question/cliffhanger/things unresolved as your final focal point rather than drifting off to oblivion. Aim at creating a situation where the reader feels they must turn the page to answer an urgent question, eg. will Jude die in the next ten seconds?

Think about how Suzane Collins leaves off the end of the first chapter of The Hunger Games. All the way through, she's misled the reader into assuming that Katniss will be chosen to go and fight in the games. But in the end of the chapter, it's Prim who gets selected. That leaves the reader with a HUGE question. What will Katniss do about this??? Try to create a situation like that, where the reader is on the edge of their seats wondering what Jude will do with the information he's just receieved.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


In the opening, I felt there was a little too much up front information. Then the whole Tarot reading thing was really, really long. I get that it's important, but maybe you can cut out some description and backstory to make it go past quicker. It was just a little slow and didn't really lead us into any conflict.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


You have some wonderful similes and great, extended vocabulary. Here you attempt a rather high literary style for the age of your protagonist and potential readership, I feel. Now, I'm going to say something that sounds negative, but please don't be too upset. The thing is that high style is great, and you do have the potential to pull it off. However, at the moment, I don't feel you have the necessary experience to provide the tools necessary to write high style. I feel, imho, that if you toned down your language a little, made it simpler, you would do better at the moment. The problem is that there are some great "purple" bits that sound fabulous, but then I keep seeing mallapropisms, grammar mistakes, punctuation mistakes, poor word choices between the great bits. Once you've been writing a little longer, I'm sure you'll be able to hit the high notes you're aiming for, but I'd really suggest you focus on producing clean, Orwellian narrative at the moment until you have a firmer grasp of VIEWPOINT and SHOW/TELL.

Here are a few notes:

"Don't worry." She said catching the banter. "They'll have their turn. Never done this before, have you?" - You may need to read up on punctuation in speech. Here's a quick guide:

http://www.grammaring.com/punctuation-in-direct-speech

Your initial sentence should have read: "Don't worry," she said, catching the banter. "They'll… - note the comma after "worry", the low case "s" in "she", and the comma after "said".

At the end of that speech, you could have hinted at the gender of the viewpoint protagonist, ie. used "…before, have you , boy?" or similar.

My teeth slightly chattering, "Nno." I answered. Crimson crept up my neck despite my dark skin. - Try to avoid repeating information. If you have your speaker stutter, we'll know that his teeth are chattering, so no need to state it. When stuttering, there's actually a standard punctuation. It should be "N-No," I answered. In order to represent stuttering, a hyphen joins the slurred phonemes, eg. sh-she, h-he, ph-phony. Here's a link to a guide.

http://fandom-grammar.livejournal.com/14121.html

You need to learn about viewpoint. Viewpoint is only representing things in narrative that the "viewpoint character" can see or feel. So, for example, your character cannot see his skin, so he cannot see that there's crimson creeping up his neck. However, he can feel it, so "N-No," I answered, heat creeping up my neck.

It was a woman, one of which I had never seen - It was a woman, one whom I'd never seen

Now, that card___the one you've chosen. - you need an emdash there. To get an emdash you hold down "alt" on your keyboard and while holding it type 0151 on your numeric pad, then release the "alt" key to get— ie. Now, that card—the one you've chosen.

I did as told, noticing the card had grown hot and clammy in my grasp like a weapon in battle. - one element of viewpoint narrative is to use similes that match the personality and knowledge of the viewpoint character. A schoolboy has no experience of holding a weapon in battle, so a simile more like "like my tennis raquet's grip during a match" would work better. Effective narrative should communicate the personality, interests and limits of the protagonist to the reader.

Dazedly, I began to shift the rectangles beneath my palms into a whirlpool of possible outcomes - only use the constructions "began to" "started to" and "tried to" when they're necessary to add meaning to the narrative. Otherwise they're redundant, ie. as soon as you show him shifting the rectangles, we know he's begun to do it, so why mention it? In a daze, I shuffled the rectangles between my palms, a kaleidoscope of possible outcomes.

She had whispered to me the name I had only rectified moments ago - up until this point, the narrative rather implies that Bo is a made up name, but this implies that it's his pre-adoption name. Think about what Bo knows and what you want to say about him.

I felt estranged to the reading now, but too curious to call it off. I hoped the cards could tell me of who the woman was. - this is really contradictory. He's clearly really interested in the dream woman, but he's "estranged to the reading" though the reading seems the only thing that's leading him to her.

Rosa took a moment to flick a stray hair out of her sightline and I sucked in a lung full of smoke to ready myself for the next card's face. - Several things. First, when you have two obviously independent clauses, each with their own pronoun, it's mandatory to use a comma before the conjunction. Second, he's only just taken the cigarette from his pocket a second ago, so how did he get it lit and then inhale so swiftly? Third, isn't it a bit rude of him to just light up a cigarette inside somebody else's room or tent whatever it is without asking first? I certainly would be pissed off if somebody did that to me.

Usually not prone to believing ghost stories or fortune tellers, - this comes across as a strange thought from someone who just had a vision of a beautiful woman while touching a card.

I shuttered at his presence. - did you mean, I shuddered in his presence?

My mother had said that when her and my father had visited the orphanage to find the child they would bring home. - the way this is phrased sounds like they went to the orphanage and selected a child to take home. I presume you know it doesn't actually happen like that? lol Having said that, I was a adopted, and when I was very little my parents made up some story like that about how they'd got me. I only learned it was a complete fabrication in my teens.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


You did go into some wonderful details in Rosa's home, but there were some things I did find confusing, such as Jude smoking inside the house without permission, where exactly his friends were in relation to this living room, little oddities, like a swinging door in a living room.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


The story follows a well trodden trope. Nothing wrong with that, but it would be nice to see some originality injected somewhere. For example, if you check out Joanne Harris' "magic realism" novels, like Chocolat, you'll find that she uses original techniques for her predictions, like how the protagonist mixes her chocolate, and she uses chocolates to work her magic, the chocolates she creates ARE the magic that allows her to transform the village. We're all pretty familiar with the use of Tarot cards. For example, Witches of Eastend uses them quite extensively in the opening episodes to forshadow the future of the two young witches, so it's well trodden ground.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


I'm feeling that there's potential in your writing, but that you need to do a bit of study into some of the basics, such as how to punctuate dialoge and what narrative viewpoint means in story telling.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .