Hello,

This chapter was a good installation, and I liked that it differed from the others in that Branston seemed far less in control of the situation for the duration of it.

The normal things that I say about these chapters apply here - I like the pace that the plot is moving along at, I like that there are hints of what it coming up in the future, and it achieves most of what a chapter should. The one area that I still feel is really lacking is character development and emotional ties. It's getting increasingly hard as the story progresses to remember the names of new characters or distinguish their dialogue from one another.

On a related note I feel like the motivation in the characters who are being newly introduced is confused. I get the feeling that they're supposed to be antagonists even though, for the most part, they're on the same side in the grand scheme of things. Likewise, I feel that there are instances where you want them to come across as particularly nasty/unlikeable, but have petered out on the follow through. A good instance of this would be the scene where Branston is told to drink from the river - which I could see the potential behind even though it read as confused.

I feel like Branston should have been smart enough to see why this would be amusing, or proud enough not to try in any case. If he was thirsty enough to try, I can see why he would ignore the jesting, but I feel like he gave up on that idea very quickly. The men's laughter after he is given the water at the end seems a bit over the top for the situation, and everyone's motivation comes across as a little questionable.

My last general tip for you (and it's mostly something to be taken care of in the second draft) would be to watch out for things like sentence fragments and make sure you're punctuating things properly. It's stuff that I usually don't catch in my own work until editing, but it never hurts to get in the habit as early as possible.

Other than the usual character and edit things that I always talk about, I think you're doing really well. I talked about them over a little bit because there was a scene that I thought really illustrated the importance of character development/motivation, but they're all things that we have talked about before.

I am glad to see that you're still working on this and that you seem to be putting out new chapters at a good rate. Since you seem to be taking my advice and working on finishing this draft with a strong focus on plot and structure, I'd say you're doing a really good job making progress on the overall project.

All the best,






-Cat









My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .