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Dude, this episode has been staring at me for far too long. I'm buried, but your chapters are so short that it's ridiculous to not get in at least one review a week. (Of course, the chapters being so short makes me think I need to do a few reviews a week, which makes me get none done, which is—again—ridiculous. It's gotta stop.

So here I am. Let's break the champagne bottle over this one's hull already.


Rain started to fall when Brock drove into the police station parking lot.
         Do you remember how I'm against saying things “started to” or “began to” happen? It just feels weak, to me. And I probably wouldn't notice quite so much, were this not the opening line. And so I suppose I'm calling for a complete rewording here, since I'm not seeing an easy fix to get rid of the “started to” here. And I am, totally, trying to think of examples for adjusting this, but they're all so very in my style that typing them down would make me feel like I was trying to get you to write like me instead of like you, and I think you know I'm rather against such things.
         Aw, hell, you know me; you know this is my style and I'm not trying to get you to write like me, I'm just trying to show a different way of looking at it for informative purposes: The first drops of rain hit Brock's windshield as he drove into the police station parking lot.

Brock, who wore one of his flawless dark suits as if it were nine a.m. instead of nine p.m.
         Oh, Brock. Oh, how I've missed him and his perfect suits.

at least there weren’t skeletons or drugs.
         And of course he'd ping on the posters!
         Looks like you're missing a word, though: weren't any skeletons

As in their former office, nothing pointed out Gillian’s desk among the others.
         That “in” should be “with”: As with their
         And “former” might be definitively correct, but it's a little strange in this context. It'd be more clear to use the word “previous.”
         And “pointed out” doesn't quite fit—another “strange in context” thing. Instead of “pointed out,” maybe: nothing marked any of the desks as Gillian's.
         Or: nothing differentiated Gillian's desk from the others.

No private office for her, nothing to highlight her Unit Chief status.
         Nope! Not for Gillian! I've missed her, too, of course. Well, all of them.

readied some small devices, the size of a phone.
         This makes it sound like all the devices, together, are the size of a phone. Just adding two little words would clarify: devices, each the size of a phone.

Tanya, Kurt and Connor worked on two computers each.
         Of course, that previous suggestion makes a repetition with “each” in this next line. That's fine, though, because this image isn't quite clear, either, as is. Plus, “worked on” makes it sound like they're repairing them.
         Again, I fear showing an example that's so much my style, but just to give you an idea of maybe an angle to take/something to inspire(?!): Connor worked with a pair of computers, as did Tanya and Kurt.
         Maybe you're holding onto keeping the structure of the previous sentence, for a rhythm/effect thing, but I think it might be something you'll have to sacrifice here. (Well, no, I'm sure you could come up with a way of working both sentences to keep what you want and fix the snafus.)

where Gillian was with Fred.
         The previous two sentences show people doing things, so it falls flat that Gillian is just “with Fred.” Makes my mind want to make it clandestine. It would roll with the rest of the paragraph better, I think if this was: where Gillian and Fred [did something—mused over a whiteboard/stared off into space/etc.]

Gillian and Brock nodded hi at each other.
         You know, normally, you'd say that people nodded hi to one another, but I think “at” fits perfectly for this particular context.

and his usual scowl was a more notorious at meeting Gillian for
         I don't believe “notorious” is the word you really want here. The “a” certainly doesn't go with it. While you're at it, I think you can eliminate the “be” verb and slide in one of your ways of pointing these things out. The closest I can come, just for an example/inspiration is: usual scowl turned a few shades darker at
         Or super-super simple: usual scowl deepened at (But this is gonna cause repetition when he “scowled deeper” here in just a little bit.)

She, on her side, felt awkwardly
         The “on her side” isn't saying quite what you want it to say, I don't think. The most exact replacement that pops into my mind is: She, for her part, felt
         I think that means what you were trying to get across with “on her side”

had too many things in her mind to try to be nice to him.
         Ohhh, man, I know we've all been there. I feelya, Gillian, I feelya.

“This email was sent to our particular server,
         I...think...that “particular” should be “private.”

This is a quote from ‘Le Mort d’Arthur’,
         The italicizing is correct, but the single quotes are not, and so they should be deleted.

written in the fourteenth hundreds by
         fourteen-hundreds

I can do other things than being a jerk
         A little structurally bumpy, but not terribly so. For a smoother ride, delete “other” and change “than” so “besides”: I can do things besides being a jerk

got mad at us for getting that stupid diploma,
         A “diploma” is what you get when you graduate from high school or college. And I can't remember exactly what they got at the gala. Recognition? I know she received something physical. Medals? Hmm. May have to come back to this when you reply to this review.

and decided to act out on his anger.
         The word “out” should be there in this context.
         PS, good job on the sustained tension between her and Brock here. It's especially cool that, in spite of it, they get their work done. It does such a good job of showing what great character/honor each of them has.

a good period to plan the attack and put it up.
         I'm not sure what she means by “put it up” so I'm not sure what to suggest. *sorry*
         Wait, maybe “and put it into action.” or even “and execute.”

but only for the other divisions of the force.”
         Wait. I thought it just went to the SCU. If it's the force's private server, rather than just the SCU's, then I'd cut “the other divisions of” because it makes it sound like the whole PD should have gotten it except the SCU.
         But the way they talk about this, it really sounds like the email was specifically for the SCU, then this whole section to be something like, “but only for us/my team/the SCU.” or something like that.

Brock took a moment to take in all the information.
         Repetition with “took” and “take”
         Maybe: took a moment to absorb all the information.

“You shouldn’t stay in the case, Lieutenant.”
         That “in” should be “on”

but it was getting on his nerves.
         Of course I missed Russel too!

not hiding his disagreement.
         Wording's bit awkward. I think a rewording to eliminate the negative would clear that up. (The “not” is just a little off, and throwing the structure off.) Even something as simple as “showing his disagreement” would work just fine.

Now if you can’t or won’t do it, I don’t wanna waste any more of your precious time.”
         Irish poison indeed! Excellent parting line, and a hail mary double dog dare!


All right, girl, there's you some stuff to work on when you get a chance, in case you've been bored or something. I do hope your internet connection's not buried under feet of snow. You're not buried under feet and feet of snow, are you? Oh man, now I'm gonna worry about that.

I do think we've left the realm of these episodes standing alone. I've read the seven before this, but took this hiatus away from it, and even I was on a bit of shaky ground here. If I hadn't quickly remember what's gone on before, I'd've been lost. Being lost on the email would have been a good thing, though, because it's a hook. But being lost on why there's tension wouldn't have been like that.

Good stuff for a returning reader, though. Really, really good stuff. Saddening, of course, but good.

I'm in the BB groove again now, so hopefully it won't be a eon before I'm reviewing the next chapter.

I hope all is well, and I look forward to seeing your reply!

Chy

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .