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 Review #4355492 |
 | THE FIGHT BETWEEN EVIL AND GOOD.  [18+] This is a story about ones fight inside between good and evil.  |
| (3.0)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation  OVERALL IMPRESSION - You have the basics for a really gripping story that would leave the reader horrified as the events unfolded, but it fell flat between the grammatical errors and the lack of showing your reader what was happening in this scene. PLOT~ Troy witnesses a horrifying accident and winds up in the emergency room. He is diagnoised and sent home with medication. At home, his parents begin fighting and his father pulls a knife on his mother. Troy calls the police, but before they can arrive at the scene, his father has cut his mother's face off. Troy ends up in a mental health institution. CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~ Troy who sees a man hit by car and winds up in the ER. You say he suffered a trauma, but not what kind. If it is clearly just emotional, then you need to include that because mentioning that he felt something wrong with his heart eludes to a heart attack. Working on showing versus telling would really make this short story shine. DIALOG~ The dialog was told instead of being active. If you had put the conversation in quotes, it would really pull the reader into the story as it unfolds. For instance, you have this written: Stacy asked him if he was ok. Roy looked at her with Red Eyes more drunk then usual. Roy lashes out at Stacy calling her a whore and slut. Roy grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen table. Troy flips out and says what are you doing father. Think of it as more active. "Are you okay?" Stacy asks. Roy looked at her with blood shot eyes, revealing how drunk he was. Roy glares at Stacy, "You're nothing but a no good whore." He grabs the butcher knife from the kitchen table and slashes it into the air. Troy begins to shake watching him. "What are you doing father?" he asks, his voice trembling. Just taking this small section adds more definition to your story. Conversations are powerful events and showcase your characters. TECHNICAL~ Also, think about added what Troy is feeling, seeing, smelling, hearing. Instead of using the word felt, tell your reader what he is feeling. He felt sick. His stomach churned as bile crept up his throat, burning and making him gag. --Just a little example of ways you could do that. You really do have all you need to polish this story and make it traumatic.   
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