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When A Buffalo Falls
by KZN

Chapter 20 - The taste of her foul breath still ripe in his mouth.

Hey Mervyn, long time no see! I'm glad you're still working on this.

>>> He saw the pleasure on her face that she drew from the moment; the short-panted breath, the forceful movements of her inner loins against his thighs, and the pressure of her finger at the back of his neck.
I think, too much sort of passive narration that needs to be part of the live action.
(same words re-assembled.)
>>> The pressure of her fingers at the back of his neck reflected the pleasure on her face. Her breath panted along with the forceful movements of her inner loins against his thighs.

>>> “What ya’ doin’, mister? She spat out the words and Hunter felt her spittle lace against his face.
Make more sense to say >spittle laced< against his face.
But more than that, it's the lady's dialogue, but it's Hunter's feeling the spit. So correctly the two character's actions should be paragraphed separately or rewritten.
(Action in chronological order)
“What ya’ doin’, mister? She spat out the words, her spittle lacing across Hunter's face. She sat looking at him for a moment, then suddenly her expression changed and she lashed out angrily with the palm of her right hand catching Hunter across the side of his face.
(new paragraph)
Hunter's felt his lip split instantly from the hard vicious blow.
(new paragraph)
“Why did ya’ pull away?”

>>> ...he said wiping the blood from his mouth.
Note two different actions
he said>,< wiping the blood from his mouth.

>>> He needed the daylight to return to Katie.
Very good moment to let us know about Katie and the time of day.

>>> ...when the predator's feed tore at his feelings.
I puzzled about this line and do not know what you mean by 'predator's feed'?

>>> I'm going to kill you, bitch, he made a promise and rolled onto his side and...
Since this is true inner dialogue, italics would help.
I'm going to kill you, bitch, he made a promise and rolled onto his side and...

>>> He hesitated, “What’s your name?”
(Not a dialogue tag)
He hesitated>.< “What’s your name?”

>>> ...and fingers, caused by the Juniper tree, had died, and...
...and fingers, caused by the Juniper tree, had >dried<, and...

>>> The newly dried skin split apart as it ripped away from the bone.
Rather than repeat 'dried' again, try: The almost healed skin...

>>> Hunter felt her hand touch his thigh, and in a flash, his hand was over hers and he laid it at her side.
(More active)
Her hand touched Hunter's thigh. In a flash, his hand covered hers and laid it back at her side.

>>> ...and then across to the other leaving a trail of fresh blood.
That makes a strong image!

>>> Beneath his palm, he felt the hardness of her nipples and he took one momently between his thumb and forefinger and pinched it gently.
(better separated without the 'and'.) Spelling >momentarily<
Beneath his palm, he felt the hardness of her nipples. He took one momentarily between his thumb and forefinger and pinched it gently.

>>> Stopping over her belly-button he fondled it gently, and she lifted her bottom instantly off the ground, and Hunter heard the quick sharp breath that she drew in through her teeth.
Again two different character's actions -- need separation:
>>> Stopping over her belly-button he fondled it gently.

She lifted her bottom instantly off the ground, making a quick sharp breath drawing it in through her teeth. "Touch me, mister, please," ...etc.

Always go for the most direct expression of the action that you can. Stay in the moment. He's there, so we know he's hearing it, you don't have to tell us.

>>> Hunter slid his fist through her cleavage for the last time and then raising his arm he quickly rolled over her and thrust his forefinger deep into her left eye.
I think this action is too important to be tagged at the end with 'and', let it stand out. This is great action! I mean, Ewww....
>>> Hunter slid his fist through her cleavage slowly for the last time. Then with sudden force, he quickly rolled over her, raising his arm to smash down thrusting his forefinger deep into her left eye.

>>> She rose in full shock. As she did her eye popped from its socket with a faint sucking sound, brushing the palm of Hunter's hand before falling against her lower jaw, hanging from a cord like a large round sucker-sweet of white and blue and wet with bright red blood. Hunter closed his eyes at the sight of it and pushed deeper into the socket, twist his finger vigorously and he felt the sponginess of her brain turn to a soupy slush.
(This a long paragraph block with too much detail and slows down the action.)
>>> She rose in full shock as her eye popped from its socket with a faint sucking sound, brushing past Hunter's hand before falling against her lower jaw,
(new paragraph)
>>> Hunter closed his eyes at the sight of the eye hanging from a cord like a large round sweet sucker, wet with bright red blood. He pushed deeper into the socket, twisting his finger vigorously until he felt the sponginess of her brain turn to a soupy slush.
See, it just spreads out the gooey good details making it easier to read. A bunch of images a reader will long remember!

>>> Hunter wasted little to untired his legs...
Spelling >untie<.

(New paragraph)
>>> But she was already on her feet facing him

>>> Hunter side stepped her as she flung a wild punch at him. But he was too slow and still too close.
(Note the chronological order of actions)
>>> She flung a wild punch at Hunter as he side stepped--but too slow and not fast enough to avoid a glancing blow on the left ear, the thud of it ringing inside his head.

(New paragraph)
>>> He lost his footing and stumbled,

>>> As he rose to his feet the woman turned to face him, the popped-eye swaying vertically as she turned and she paddled at it annoyingly.
This feels awkward. Make it the woman's.
He rose to his feet.
(New Paragraph)
The woman turned to face him, the popped-eye swaying on her face. Annoyed, she patted at it.

>>> ...and then dropping to her knees she looked down at her chest.
Because she's going to run, I think one knee it better.
(And a comma between the two actions)
...and then dropping to one knee>, <she looked down at her chest.

>>> Hunter waited for the last moment before he stepped aside placing his foot in her path. She stumbled over it and lost all control of her balance. She staggered on trying to steady her steps, but the weight of her carried her forward and on to the edge of the cliff. Hunter lifted the Remingtons and fired again. The force of the bullet tipping her over the edge. Hunter reached the edge of the cliff as she bounced off the second level and spun out away from the wall. She turned slowly as she fell, arms and legs out stretched, rotating like the spokes of a cartwheel.
Another paragraph block involving both characters. Separate them out.

Hunter waited for the last moment before he stepped aside placing his foot in her path.
(new paragraph, losing the extra connecting words:)
She stumbled over his foot, losing all control of her balance. She staggered on trying to steady her steps, but her weight carried her forward to the edge of the cliff.
(new paragraph, one gun)
Hunter lifted the Remington and fired again. The force of the bullet tipping her over the edge.
(Final paragraph, with a little adjustment)
Reaching the edge of the cliff, Hunter watched as she bounced off the second level and spun out away from the wall. She turned slowly as she fell, arms and legs out stretched, rotating like the spokes of a cartwheel.

FINAL COMMENT: Mervyn, you have created an exciting wrap-up to this strange battle. Hunter is a little worse for the wear, but still functioning. It's all there, and just needing a few easy adjustments. The biggest problem seems to be keeping the two character's actions separate if they are direct live action.
Also keeping the events in chronological order as they happen. Then reading it is like seeing the real thing! Your woman character is disgustingly well done. And Hunter doesn't have a weapon handy so he uses his finger. Again I say Ewww...! Keep working, man, it's getting there!
Best, Gale


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .