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 Review #4358913 |
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| (4.5)| Hi Rhoswen - Relentless Victory  It's me, Ken, and yes, I'm the one who called "Goose" so technically you're getting ... Never mind!  It is my pleasure to both read and provide feedback on your Dialogue Only story, "Invalid Item" as a member of and on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . First Impression/Thoughts: OK - you'll have to forgive me but I started chuckling around the third response. Is he/she talking to a bowl of those candy hearts that you get at Valentines Day?  The short, sweet sayings that he/she is feeding back is so reminiscent of those obnoxious candies.  Creativity/Impact:I think your approach to this subject was actually clever although not knowing who the participants were was a little confusing. Very creative.  Technique/Technical Notes:I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words  . Title - I thought your title was well chosen offering many alternative images for the reader to come up with and sparking interest. The "teaser" line (or description  ) offers you an opportunity to add some clarification and can also be a great tool to attract more readers. I think you could have "cheated" the Dialogue requirement by describing who the folks were such as "A forlorn lover tries to prevent a breakup." This would have added some clarity to the dialogue. Grammar/Wording - I saw nothing in error. Your language seems well chosen to reflect the message on both sides of the discussion. I do think that the short responses added a sense of humor although I don't know that was your intention. Form/Flow - I don't think you needed the colors to distinguish who was speaking; it was pretty obvious that this was a "call and response" conversation and wasn't confusing to follow. Overall, I thinkiIt worked well and I found, reading it aloud, it flowed smoothly. The logical progression of the story itself was evident and brought the reader into the moment. Really well done. Overall Rating/Final Thoughts: A very (humorous - sorry  ) read. I think you found a great balance between story telling and message delivery. Thank you for sharing your journey of imagination and talent with me today.Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more. Keep writing! Wishing you all the best, Ken ** Image ID #1947700 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/05/2017 @ 1:04pm EDT